the juggle

truly blessed

2012-01-26T12:33:00.000-08:00

coco was blessed on january 7th in a spur-of-the-moment decision. my mom was here for the arrival of my new nephew, grant, so this saved them the return trip. the blessing was just as tender and meaningful to me as anna's and miller's, despite the absence of a huge family meal afterward or the obligatory picture outside the chapel.

the only disappointment i felt was that my grandma couldn't be there. we decided for sure to do it only 3 days before so they didn't have the time to make the trip. i cried a lot as i drove around on friday picking up the odds and ends for the blessing. AND I AM STILL NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. nevertheless...

i think a baby's blessing in the lds church is one of our best things. as the mother, all of the major experiences of bringing a child into the world are yours - the baby kicking, hiccuping, labor, giving birth, nursing, etc. you know well before it's born that the baby is YOURS and all of those experiences confirm that. but dad is sort of a bystander throughout the process. he can't actually do pregnancy or childbirth. he knows the baby is his, of course, but hasn't had the physical affirmations of impending parenthood. he won't ever have the experience of feeling a baby kick for the first time or be handed the baby to lay it on his chest right after it's born, or the intense satisfaction of a baby successfully latching on and nursing for the first time. the blessing is dad's first thing that he gets to do exclusively as the father. here he's watched the baby only really need you to survive, knowing that there's nothing he can do for the baby that the mother can't. but, then, a few months into it, he gets to have his own special moment, one that's exclusively his, that will bond him to the baby forever. he gets to hold the baby in his arms and give the baby a name and a blessing in front of friends and family. he gets to tell heavenly father how grateful he feels, and thank him for sending him a child. i've heard of women in the church having issues over this practice because they feel they should be able to participate, but i'm so okay with dad having his own moment. his thing. his unique bond. i pretty much have gotten all the rest.

and so here is coco, in her blessing dress, and as her dad asked in the blessing, hopefully our family's peacemaker. because let me tell you, her brother and sister could really use one.

with honey and papa...

with gammi and papa...

with her new cousin, grant...

loco for coco

2011-12-26T13:21:00.002-08:00

tap tap tap...

is this thing still on?

i think i've mentioned before that when i have a baby the computer gets shut down and stays down. this time it stayed down a lot longer than i expected, but i wasn't going to sit down in front of a computer screen until i was good and ready to. plus knowing that you have 487 unread items in your blog feed is too much to digest.

caroline was born on october 14th weighing 6 lbs 11 ozs and measuring 18 inches long. i'm in baby heaven. she's been my hardest baby by far, but she's worth every bit of it.

i've complained before about the rigmarole they put you through once you reach "advanced maternal age." i had to have multiple ultrasounds with a perinatologist at the hospital and an ultrasound and non-stress test each week during the last month. at every ultrasound and every test they'd tell me, "everything looks great! baby looks great!" and i'd wonder why i had to keep coming back. my last test was scheduled on october 14th and i almost didn't go in. i hadn't showered yet that day, i had a ton of things around the house to get done, i had a lot of work to complete before the baby was born, we were going out to dinner a few hours later with friends, my to-do list was just incredibly long and the results were always the same and anyway, the perinatologist had already told my ob to induce me the week after so what was the point?

i remembered a conversation i had with someone a few weeks before when they asked me why i even bothered to go in for the tests. i said, "because what if something happened to the baby? i would never forgive myself if i would have been able to prevent it if i had just gone in for the tests." so i went.

i laid on the table listening to the "whomp whomp whomp" of coco's heartbeat and thinking about all the stuff i needed to get done. and then all the sudden the ultrsound tech stood up and said, "i'll be right back." she brought someone back with her who took over the ultrasound and said, "yeah, you're right." then they asked me to confirm what my amniotic fluid level was at my non-stress test the week before. i said, "it was 15," and then joked, "why is it lower now? are you going to call my doctor and tell her to come induce me?" and she said, "uh, yeah, that's exactly what we're going to do." my fluid had dropped to 1.5 in on week's time, which is basically nothing. they started asking me all kinds questions trying to ascertain if my water had broken.

i kind of freaked out a little as i heard them talking to my doctor on the phone telling her they were taking me into labor and delivery. i knew the baby was okay because i had just been watching her on the monitor, but the urgency of it all seemed so scary. PLUS I HADN'T SHOWERED. I HADN'T PACKED A BAG. MY KIDS WERE SPLIT BETWEEN TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. MY HAIR HADN'T BEEN WASHED IN THREE DAYS. I STILL NEEDED TO GET TONS OF WORK WRAPPED UP. I HADN'T KISSED MY KIDS GOODBYE. I HADN'T SHOWERED.

i told them i needed to go home and get my kids situated and pack a bag and take a shower and i'd be right back. they laughed at me and escorted me over to labor and delivery. i sent steve a frantic text.

as they were checking me in i begged the charge nurse to let me take a shower while they were setting up my iv. and that merciful angel winked at me, got me a towel, a bar of soap, a small bottle of baby shampoo, and told me to hurry up.

a few hours later and a failed epidural on my left side, caroline came into the world bright pink and wailing, with a tight knot in her cord. my water hadn't broken - the placenta had failed sometime within the week, and if i hadn't gone in for that test and waited for the induction date instead, it would have been "not good" (failed placenta + knot in the cord = "not good"). i was already pretty sure the situation was "not good" because while i was in labor i sat up at one point to adjust my gown and the nurse came running in. "lay back down!!!" she yelled. because there was no amniotic fluid, when i sat up i was basically smashing the baby, and her heart rate went from 140 to 90. i barely moved after that. i thought about how often i had been sitting in that position and uttered a number of silent prayers of thanks that she was okay.

i think it was my aunt ann who had a cross-stitch on her wall that said:

quiet down cobwebs
dust go to sleep
i'm rocking my baby
and babies don't keep

that pretty much sums things up around here - it's crazy, there are a lot of dirty diapers, someone is always crying (sometimes including me or steve) - but this baby is getting a lot of attention because i know she won't keep! (that and the fact that if she's not eating or sleeping she's crying to be picked up).

we are all excited to have her...

and now for some of the top 10 funny and/or scary things that have happened since she was born:

1) miller went into the terrible two's the minute coco came home. my mom can attest to this because the day after i got home from the hospital and i sat on the couch to feed her, miller threw my shoes at my head. he still does this about once a day.
2) miller learned to climb the cabinets.
3) miller pulled a knife out of the knife block after climbing up the cabinets.
4) after i wrestled the knife out of his hand he went over to the top of the stairs and stood there "yelling" at me for taking away the knife. he then lost his footing and toppled down the stairs.
5) anna decided was big enough to pick up the baby despite the repeated reminders from me that she is not. coco didn't like it.
6) at 9:30 one night steve came out of the bedroom with bleary-eyes and bedhead while i was tending to the baby in the kitchen and said, "we are good parents for being up in the middle of the night taking care of our kids," and then looked up at the clock and exclaimed, "IT'S ONLY 9:30?!!!"
7) i agreed to help a friend with an mba class he was teaching one night after he assured me it was fine to bring the baby. i just had to listen to some presentations and score them. i thought it would be like 15 students. it was actually like 200, and coco had terrible gas the entire time and then a blowout on my chest in front of all of them.
8) on the way home from preschool one day, anna was telling me about how much she liked this girl in her class and then added matter-of-factly that this girl is "ugly." i told her that we don't say that about people and if we didn't have anything nice to say about how someone looked we should keep it to ourselves. she thought for a second and said just as matter-of-factly, "okay, well i like her. i just don't appreciate how her face was made."
9) i had christmas at my house for the first time ever.
10) we are a family of five.

just a random bunch of pictures from the last three months...

to blog or not to blog?

2011-09-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

i have contemplated blogging about this or not, because i wasn't sure if it would embarrass my husband, but i need to have a record of it + it's pretty funny + it's pretty sweet too.

anna was getting recurring UTIs this spring, and one morning she came upstairs complaining about all the symptoms of yet another one. twice before she'd had to go get a big, goopy shots for this so she (and we) knew what was coming if she had to go to the doctor. steve had to take her in instead of me for a reason i can't remember (he would say by choice, but i actually believe i had an appointment or something) and he was NOT happy about it. he HATES seeing our kids in pain. HATES it.

i was expecting a red-faced, teary little girl clutching a new toy when they came home, but instead i got the happiest version of anna you can imagine. she bounded into the house and exclaimed, "MOM! IT'S JUST STREP THROAT!!!!" she was overjoyed. steve was beyond relieved. it was the happiest i'd seen those two in a long time. "let's go fill your prescription!!!!" he exclaimed.

a few weeks later i had a check-up and as i was waiting for the doctor one of the nurses walked in. we've been in there so much this year that we know all of them pretty well. they always ask how anna is because of the UTIs but this time she lead with a gravely concerned, "how's steve?"

"steve's fine..." i replied, confused. "why? did he come in for something?"

"no," she said, "it's just that when he was in here with anna he was really traumatized."

"HE was traumatized?" i asked.

"oh yeah. when i came into their room before we knew she didn't have a UTI he was holding her on his lap. she was crying and begging him to take her home and he had big crocodile tears running down his cheeks. he said to her, 'i'll be brave if you be brave. on the count of three, let's both stop crying! one-two-three!!!'"

"are you serious?" i asked.

"oh yeah," she said. "i got all teary myself just watching it."

when i got home i told steve, "honey. when you take your kids to get a shot you CANNOT CRY. they're already thinking this is the WORST thing in the world that has ever happened to them and then they see YOU crying and that pretty much confirms it."

he got teary reminiscing on the visit. "she was so hysterical, noelle. i couldn't help myself."

i think he has earned himself a pass from doctor's office visits for quite some time.

end of summer fun

2011-09-13T15:16:00.001-07:00

anna got to go to see mary poppins with her gammi and papa bates on opening day here in salt lake. she was so excited and loved getting dressed up. here they are on the way out the door.

miller got to ride the 4-wheeler with his daddy at the heber house a few days later and immediately became obsessed. we had to pull him off kicking and screaming.

where is she?!?

2011-08-25T11:31:00.001-07:00

josh powell and his father are complete and total scumbags. that's all i can say.

i'm a total disaster

2011-08-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

a few weeks ago i was taking miller down for his nap and tripped on the last two stairs (i was wearing flip flops). i either broke a bone(s) on the top of my foot or tore ligaments. when i went in for my OB appt the next day the fact that i could barely walk was obvious so they checked my foot and put me in a walking boot (another benefit of seeing a doctor who does it all). they said that i needed to come back 5 or 6 days later if i still couldn't put my weight on it to have it x-rayed and casted. i pretended like i didn't hear them. there was no way i was putting a cast on my foot. now, about three weeks later, i can actually walk on the whole foot. it's still swollen and sore, but i don't have a cast, so...i win?

last weekend while icing and elevating my foot, steve was handing miller over to me over the back of the couch. he had just made miller a bottle and i was going to feed it to him, but during the pass off his phone rang and as he fumbled to grab he dropped the bottle straight down onto my eye socket, leaving me with a black eye.

then, on tuesday night while sitting on the front porch with our neighbors watching anna learn to ride a bike, my neighbor brittney started shaking her hair furiously. a wasp flew out and landed on my ring finger and immediately stung me above my knuckle. it killed so i put a little ointment on it and didn't worry too much about it until the next morning when it was so swollen i couldn't get my rings off. i could still slide them a little, but as the day progressed, my finger swelled so badly that all i could do was twist them. by last night, i was ready to go to the ER to have them cut off, but stopped by my neighbor's who is a physician to see what he'd say. he gave me a remedy consisting of a homemade finger cast of gauze and meat tenderizer, a specific taping/wrapping methodology at bedtime, and benadryl, but i woke up (well, i didn't really sleep so i'm not sure that's accurate), to a finger more swollen than before.
i'm 7 months pregnant, limping, with a black eye (more yellowish now), and a ring finger that looks like it might need to be amputated. and today i am simultaneously sleep-deprived and have a benadryl hangover. i have never felt more attractive. i have also never been a better mother. i took the kids through the krispy kreme drive-thru at 7:00am this morning and let them eat donut holes in their car seats.

in other news, anna learned to ride a bike in a few tries and without any prodding from us, which surprised us all. best part was watching steve dancing around behind her those first few tries, making sure she didn't fall.

i don't know how moms do this

2011-08-09T14:31:00.000-07:00

i dropped off my sister's brother-in-law, angus, at the mtc today. he is british and is going to portugal on his mission, but he had to come here for his training. he was TIRED when he arrived late last night, and he only had less than two weeks to prepare to leave, but he almost always had a smile on his face during the time he was with us.
i got teary dropping him off. i thought of his mom, and all the moms who send their sons off for two years to serve missions, and then i thought of miller and my heart broke right in two. i imagined him walking away from me into the vastness of the MTC and not being able to see him for two years and thought about how even though you know they're in good hands, how does it not kill you right on the spot?

and then i thought about women who sent their sons off to fight in WWII and vietnam and there was mascara all over my face before i even got out of the parking lot. that's just not even possible to comprehend. luckily anna was in the backseat and said to me, "if you make me eat spicy ham for lunch i will throw a fit right on the spot," so i snapped back to reality very quickly.

happy stories

2011-08-07T21:07:00.001-07:00

today on the way home from the heber house, anna asked me if i had ever seen a dead animal. "yes," i replied, and she wanted to know what kind. i hesitated for a second - do you talk to 4-year-olds about dead animals or not? - before i told her i'd seen a cat, a dog, and a horse. she was really interested in the horse and wanted to know the story (ironically stumbled upon in the field behind the heber house when i was about 12 or 13). she then said, "tell me that story again," to which i replied, "how about we talk about something happier?" she thought about it for a minute and said, "well i'm fascinated by the horse, but tell me a story about you, aunt jen, and aunt amber when you were all little." thus began the happy stories.

i first told her how when we were small, about her age, our parents would take us to the beach in san clemente for vacation (even though san clemente was only an hour away and we only lived 5 minutes from the beach), and how we'd play all day in the sand and the waves, how our dad would give us a couple of dollars each day and we'd spend it all on candy, and how we'd all get into the shower together at night to wash the sand off and help slough peeling skin off of each other.

she asked for another one. "that story made me so happy," she said, and i caught a glimpse of her beaming in the backseat.

so i told her about how we'd go to grandpa miller's house at the river, and our mom would put coppertone sunscreen on us each morning, and we'd spend all day running off the dock and jumping into the water. sometimes we'd jump off holding hands. we'd take boat rides every night at dusk, and we got to sleep in sleeping bags.

"that's a pretty good one. and i have a grandpa who takes me to his river too!!!" she exclaimed. she asked for another one.

i told her how every winter we'd go to aspen with the whole family to go skiing, and how me and jen and amber would go to ski school all day and how much we loved our teachers, and then when we got back to the condo we'd run and put our bathing suits on to go swimming, and how we'd jump in the snow and then jump into the jacuzzi and how warm it felt. we'd watch fraggle rock with grandma miller, and she would make us breakfast every morning before ski school and we always had grapefruits with sugar on them.

"these are such happy stories, mommy. i love them," she said. i asked her to tell me a happy story from when she was little, and this is what she told me:

"well one time, i was at the heber house and i had to wait in line and then papa ruben put me on the tractor and i drove it all over! can you believe it!?" she exclaimed.

i laughed because this just happened a few days ago, but it really got me thinking about all the things my mom and grandparents did for us when we were little to give us happy memories. i was reminded that although my job as a parent is to teach her right from wrong and how to be responsible and considerate of others, i want to create those kinds of memories for her and her siblings. i always want her to know how much she was loved, and for her to be able to look back on her childhood and say, "these are such happy stories."

on another note, i know i'm his mom and everything, but dang it if this kid isn't the cutest thing on the planet.

my curly haired boy

2011-07-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

this little guy melts my heart Every Single Day.

i love how happy he is, how he has a smile for everyone, how obsessed he is with every ball he sees and with anything that looks remotely like a ball (the produce aisle turns him into a maniac), how his little body looks like a miniature silver back gorilla's, how he walks with his barrel chest out, his power booty back, with his arms straight down pointing behind him all the while with a grin on his face, how his coppery blond hair curls in the back, how he thinks his sister is the bees knees, how he flashes you his most charming and coy smile when he knows he's being naughty, and how he spontaneously runs over to me to give me a hug and a snuggle, turning me to mush every time.

he's so much fun. he's such a light and a blessing (someone in my ward was holding him one time during sunday school and said, "he has a calming soul," and i've always thought that was the perfect description of what kind of baby he has been). we are so lucky to have this little boy in our family.

sensitivity training

2011-07-25T10:24:00.000-07:00

today anna had a dilemma. go to the neighbor's birthday party or go see winnie the pooh with her cousins? i asked her which she'd rather do and she started to cry. i told her to calm down, think about it - she didn't have to make a decision right then (and then i promptly turned around and rolled my eyes).

a few minutes ago she came up to me, lip quivering, eyes welling with tears and said, "i really want to go to the movies, but could we compromise? can we take a gift to aidan on the way? because he won't know i know it is his birthday, and i would feel so sorry about that."

then my lip quivered a little. i love the little lessons my kids teach me every single day, and while she may be sensitive, it's so comforting to know that with all that sensitivity comes a sensitivity to others.

(here she is in her "american dress)

the river

2011-07-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

when i tell people in utah i'm going to or i took the kids to the colorado river, they always look at me like i'm a crazy person and go, "you took at 15 month old river rafting?" i can't help myself and i always reply, "yeah! we just strapped him down to the bottom of the raft. he loved it!"

okay no, that is not the part of the colorado river i'm talking about. there's a huge swath of it, like the entire border of arizona and california that's dammed up, making it pristine for water skiing. it's basically the lake powell for southern californians except without the views (or houseboats that break down, generators that go out, bathrooms that flood, or wind storms). i've been going there since i was a little girl. my grandparents have a place in parker, az, and ruben has a place about 30 minutes south of that at a trailer park "resort" called the water wheel. ruben's particular double wide is over 30-years-old and his boat is 44 years old. we don't have jet skis or wave runners or anything of the sort. we are a ski family - that is basically what we do (or float down the river). usually i sleep on a piece of foam that rolls out from underneath the "dining hutch." parts of the ceiling are literally falling down. the bathtub in the "master bathroom" is rust colored, mainly from actual rust.

it's the best place evvvveerrrrr. if you asked me if i had one week to vacation during a year and i could spend it at a four seasons anywhere in the country or at the river, i'd choose the river without hesitation.

this is a basic day at the river: eat breakfast, go down to the water, ski, sit by the water, get in the water, sit by the water, ski, eat lunch, sit by the water, ski, play in the water, ski, sit by the water, pick up pieces of the ceiling. eat dinner. watch a vhs of a movie like the three amigos, romancing the stone, wildcats, or overboard. possibly play papa in scrabble. sleep. repeat.

this was miller's first trip and anna's second and it's something we'll do every year for as long as we can. steve went once and decided it was not for him so i think it will traditionally be a mommy-kids trip. "THIS IS ALL YOU DO?" he'd ask. "ARE WE REALLY SLEEPING ON THIS?" he wondered. you should hear him describe the river experience to people who ask about it. that will have to be its own post.

what i love about the river now that i'm a mom is that i'm teaching my kids that trips don't have to be fancy or expensive to be fun.

this trip marked a milestone; we have this horseshoe shaped "ski" that's meant to teach little ones how to get used to being behind the boat. anna decided on our last day she was ready to go for it. here's the video but turn down your volume unless you want to hear my annoying screaming.

terror in the desert at 120 degrees

2011-07-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

i thought of titling this post, "why i have a rash all over my chest that was caused by anxiety" just in case i run into you and you wonder the same thing.

our trip to the river this year was AWESOME. the trailer just gets better because it only gets worse; this year the ceiling was literally falling down. you'd walk along and find pieces of it laying at your feet. somehow these kind of things just make it more endearing to me. more on the trip later, i have to get something else off my chest besides the rash.

the drive back was NOT awesome. we started making our way back at 4:30 on saturday. i had my kids, plus two of amber's kids (maggie, 4 and kate, 12). we planned to drop them off and stay the night at my sister's in vegas and come back on sunday in plenty of time to realize all of our 4th of july hopes and dreams.

about an hour after we left the river the car started lurching and losing power. it felt like i was running out of gas but i had three quarters of a tank. the first time it happened i thought i had done something funky to the cruise control, so i just pulled over, gave it a sec, and pulled back out. about 20 minutes later it happened again. and then 15 minutes later again, and 10 minutes later again, and so on.

we were in the middle of nowhere. NOWHERE. there is a reason people don't live in the mojave desert. it was 120 degrees outside (i realize that sounds like an exaggeration so there is some photo evidence of how hot it actually can get from a different day of our trip). i had four kids in my car on a two lane highway where semis pass each other going 70 mph. cell service was spotty if it existed at all. there was no shade, anywhere, and we had about two drinks for each person. these were the thoughts running through my head in rotating order:

"please please please DO NOT DIE ON ME, CAR. ANYWHERE BUT HERE. ANYTIME BUT NOW."
"i'm going to kill steve for not enrolling us in triple A."
"i hope whatever trucker pulls over is not a serial killer and/or a human trafficker."
"kate's going to have to pull her nose out of the hunger games because she's going to be living a real life version of it soon."
"this is what you get for buying a swedish car and driving it in the california desert in july."
AND IT ALWAYS ENDS WITH
"how did the pioneers do it?!?!?"

we made it to searchlight, nevada (i never thought i'd be so happy to be in harry reid's hometown) where there was at least a mcdonalds, but i was afraid if i turned the car off it wouldn't start again. at points where i had cell service i was getting encouraging texts from steve like, "i am freaking out" and "turn down ac" and "i feel totally helpless" but at one point he told me i needed to get fresh gas. so i did, plus like an idiot got the kids happy meals with apple dippers to keep them happy and we headed back out to brave the 50 or so miles into vegas.

10 miles later i lost power again. all the kids in the back started crying right on cue.

"WE'RE HOLDING TOO MANY THINGS!"
"THERE'S CARAMEL IN MY HAIR!!!"
"MILLER STOLE MY DRINK!!!"
"HOW COME THERE AREN'T ANY FRENCH FRIES?!!!!"
"I DIDN'T WANT PICKLES! WHY DID YOU GET ME PICKLES? YOU ARE A BAD MOM!!!"

i tried not to take out all my frustration and anxiety on my niece kate, who was completely engrossed by the hunger games book the entire trip and had to be asked every 30 seconds to please turn around and HELP SOMEONE. or look scared. or SOMETHING.

we got everyone situated and it was quiet for a few seconds when i heard the glub glub glub of a spilling drink. i look in the rear view mirror to find miller pouring the entire stolen hi-c down the front of himself and watching it pool in his crotch. i yell, kate turns around to grab it but comes back empty handed.

"he didn't want to let go," she shrugged.
"THEN RIP IT OUT OF HIS HANDS!!!" i screamed.

10 minutes of listening to him wail, more complaints from the 4-year-olds about my (their) menu selections, and a prayer by kate asking that we make it to vegas was followed by a few minutes of needed silence.

and then maggie decided to weigh in.

"WHO CARES ABOUT JESUS." she says disgustedly and matter-of-factly. not a question, think how a yankee fan would say that when referencing a red sox fan.

i turn around a say, "well, um, i do." and then this is how that conversation played out...

maggie: "i really don't."
me: "that's too bad. since when don't you like jesus?"
maggie: "wellll, i like jesus. i just like other things more."
me: "like what?"
maggie: "like dress up. then my dora the explorer toothpaste. and gum."
me: "do you think jesus likes those things more than he likes you?"
maggie noodles the thought for a minute or two and then says in her cartoon voice (think a cinderella mouse voice): "WHY WOULD JESUS WANT MY STUFF?"

just enough comic relief to get us to vegas, where, upon pulling in, kate looks at me bright eyed and chrips, "i can't believe how far i've gotten in this book!"

we stayed over at amber's and waited until monday morning for the volvo dealership to open. took it in, got the call at noon, and here's what they told me...

"there's nothing wrong with your car as far as we could tell."

could have been vapor lock, could have been a cruise control setting that went haywire, but there was no way to know since they couldn't replicate the driving conditions and the computer was sending back good data. so i picked it up and drove like a madwoman back to provo hoping to make it in time to get to the party we were supposed to go to that night. we missed it by 30 minutes.

i spent the night flipping between boston, dc and nyc 4th of july celebrations, walking over to the church parking lot where people were setting off fireworks, and looking at my rash, feeling grateful that i did not literally cook the children in the desert and waiting for steve to get home so i could hand over the kids and discuss the benefits of triple A.

anna's first ballet recital

2011-06-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

anna and her buddy hailey miner

anna and paige post recital. flowers afterward are apparently a big deal.

anna and her cousin paige had their first dance recital this last saturday. they were songbirds in the company's production of sleeping beauty, which was a 2 hour event during which they appeared for 3 minutes. (during the last 45 minutes i longed for the recitals of my youth where each class came out, did a random number or two, and the next class rushed on stage to do their thing). seeing her up there concentrating on doing her steps in her little costume was totally worth it, and she can't wait for ballet to start again in the fall.

house "guestesses"

2011-06-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

l to r: niketa, damarcus, wanda, derek, steve

we had house guests last week/weekend. the harrisons are a family my parents met in the ward in south carolina they served their entire mission in. their son, damarcus, will be playing basketball at byu this year and they came out to get him settled in school.

anna was in heaven. she LOVES having people stay with us. we had to keep her from going downstairs to constantly check on the "guestesses." she took steve's father's day gift out of the box (a tie) put a rose inside, and left it on damarcus's bed instead. when we got steve's father's day gift she was upset that we didn't get the same thing for derek (his dad). miller LOVED derek. no surprise though - he's impossible not to love.

we had a great visit and the harrisons are awesome. the best part of their visit was watching wanda box steve out on our neighbor's basketball court. every time he'd get near the basket she'd yell something like, "not in my house!" and she wasn't afraid to foul him. :)

we hope damarcus transitions well to byu. we also hope wanda and derek come out to lots of games!

also, how pretty is niketa? i know. people at church could not stop asking me who the beautiful girl next to me was.

we are so grateful for the wonderful people like the harrisons that took care of our parents on their mission, and we were glad we had the opportunity to attempt to return the favor.

(you should totally watch the highlight video linked to above - that's damarcus when he was a freshman and sophomore in high school, and then you should probably go buy season tickets...)

latest and greatest

2011-06-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

yesterday...
"mom, you used to be skinny but when you get a baby in your tummy you get really fat. but don't worry, maybe you'll be skinny again someday."

yesterday...
"i want you to get out of this house and never come back," (says this while she's snuggled up to me on the couch). i rattle of a checklist of various motherly duties and ask her who's going to do all those things for her. she says, "daddy," and i think, well that's totally true. so i tell her i'll go find another family that needs me, and she starts to panic and yells, "but what am i supposed do on mother's day!!!?"

last week...
"i have boy teachers and girl teachers. unfortunately, i always seems to end up with the girl teachers. i really need to get more time with the boy ones (sighs)." (on her swim lessons)

last week...
"mom, ireland is where the irishes live."

last week during sacrament meeting...
"if i have to talk softly, what's the point of talking!?!"

a preview to saturday

2011-06-14T16:16:00.000-07:00

anna's first ballet recital is this saturday and their dress rehearsal was this morning. she and her cousin paige are in the same ballet class and will be "songbirds" in sleeping beauty. paige kept saying she's never been so beautiful, and anna kept fluttering her mascara'd eyes and kept her arms "floating" so as not to crush her tutu. they were so adorable but unfortunately we couldn't squeeze them for fear of crushing their feathers.

here they are talking about what makeup they got to put on today...

anna is going to have a sister

2011-06-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

yes, it's a girl! we are all so excited, especially steve who is absolutely over the moon. i had no idea he wanted a girl so badly until we were sitting in the ultrasound room, him weeping and the tech going from thinking how sweet it was that he was so excited to casting me a few worried glances when he didn't really stop. i am thrilled that anna is going to have a sister. i can't imagine not having one (or four in my case) and i know it's going to make her life different and better in a myriad of ways.

about a month ago the doctor's office called me to let me know my blood work came back "abnormal" and indicating a possibility of the baby having down syndrome. they explained the results to me - the chances of having a down's baby is 1 in 270 normally, and my blood work showed a chance of it being 1 in 261. however, they explained, when they factored in my age (38), my risk increased to 1 in 120. lots of people get "abnormal" quad screen results, and only 1% of abnormal screens actually result in there being an abnormality, but still, you are all of the sudden playing a numbers game and have to accept that you might be in that 1 percent.

they had called maternal fetal medicine to set up a level II ultrasound and a consult with a geneticist yet they wouldn't be seeing me until 4 weeks later. suffice it to say that i had a lot of time to wonder and worry what life would be like with a downs child and feel some panic about the baby's overall health if it were downs because oftentimes there are accompanying health problems. i also found out some statistics that shocked me. nationally, over 90% of babies with downs are aborted. in utah, the rate is around 8%, making utah home to one of the highest downs populations and support systems in the country, with some of the best specialists and doctors in the world overseeing their care.

we didn't tell many people about the blood work (the quad screen it's called) because the chances were so slim that we felt we might be worrying people for nothing and if the baby was downs, then so it was. one of the few people i mentioned it to asked me, "what will you do if it's positive?" i shrugged and replied, "love him." that was all i could think of to say.

as soon as the tech started the ultrasound, and the baby's image popped up on the screen above my head (one benefit to having this done at maternal fetal medicine at a hospital like UVRMC is the fancy machinery), i got an overwhelming feeling that the baby was not downs, and surprisingly i had some mixed emotions about it. first, i felt relieved that we wouldn't be going outside our "comfort zone" to raise our third child, and second that the cost, time and energy it takes to raise a special needs child would bypass us. but then i felt strangely wistful, because i knew how much love a child with downs brings into a family and how it changes the dynamic of a family in positive ways. tim "i love my life" van skyhawk, (my favorite human being and the first man to ever propose to me), has been a source of deep love in his family and there isn't a day that goes by where he doesn't say or do something that makes you laugh out loud. i think everyone in his family would say that without a doubt, having tim in their lives has made them much better people.

a young, pretty geneticist bounced in as soon as the ultrasound was done, looked down at the paperwork and then blurted out while she smiled and shook her head, "i hate these consults. what did the doctor's office tell you?" i reiterated the info, and then she explained the nurse who read the results got them backwards....that my chances of having a downs baby were 1 in 120 at my age, but that the blood work IMPROVED my chances to 1 in 261. in other words, the blood work should have been good news, not worrisome news, and that there was nothing she was seeing in the screening that made her think the baby is downs.

despite that, she informed me that it "sucks getting old" and that she wanted to see me at 28 and 34 weeks for ultrasounds and stress tests each week from 36 on. i just had a baby last year, but apparently i must have aged 100 years in 12 months because it appears i'm in a whole new subcategory of pregnant women. where i was of "advanced maternal age" before, now i'm just in the group of "really old ones."

at any rate, given the last month of wondering, i saw this question and answer between a jewish woman and a rabbi that made me cry. she had asked if it was wrong to only want perfect children. here is rabbi tzvi freeman's reply:

"You ask whether it's wrong to want only a perfect child. As much as I love them all, I can't say that any child of mine is perfect. We have been blessed, thank G‑d, with many children, and each comes packaged with his or her challenges. I call them challenges because they have very much challenged the patience, endurance and wisdom of both my wife and I. And as is always the case with challenges, we have gained and grown from all of them.

We believe that G‑d never sends us a challenge we cannot take on, that all these challenges are meant only to take us higher and further than we could achieve without them, and that with each challenge He provides the strength we need to overcome it. You are being presented with a particularly special challenge--which means that the two of you must have special abilities that others do not.

You ask about the soul of this child. Before this child was conceived, her soul stood in the lofty place of souls above, higher than the angels, basking in serene, spiritual ecstasy beyond any pleasure we could imagine in this material world. Why did she choose to leave that paradise to descend to a physical body in a world full of pain and confusion? What could she accomplish here?

Since this will be the soul of a child who will need special care and who will know the world differently than others, she has a special mission. She is chosen to ignite the kindness that lies dormant in people's souls and plant the seeds of empathy in their hearts; to teach caring, patience and tolerance in a way no other teacher could. She will enter the world armed with lessons and tests for all who will come to know her--and she will leave it a much kinder world, a world blossoming with compassion, a world where people can feel for one another and put aside their own concerns and comfort to run to help. She will leave behind a touch of the heaven from whence she came."

preschool graduation

2011-05-31T22:55:00.001-07:00

i am so proud to announce that anna graduated from her first year of preschool a few weeks ago. i never thought she would make it.

okay, seriously, it was really cute, and they threw their caps at the end, and their program was as adorable as always, and steve cried. plus, i love this little girl with all my heart, and these kind of things make me realize how quickly time is flying, so it wouldn't be dishonest to say i cried little too when she sang, "i like being me."

(i wasn't taking pictures fast enough.)

with miss erin, her "sweet pea" teacher whose hair was "sometimes yellow, sometimes brown."
she got her first bike a few days later. it's hawaiian themed and it cost $50, and since we had just seen a bike that cost over $200 and she wanted a "hawaii bike most of all" we couldn't have thrown it in the car fast enough.

she got about 10 tubes of glitter lipgloss for her birthday a few months ago. i keep noticing flashes of glittery sheen on the walls and furniture when the sunlight hits just right. it's everywhere. the other day she came over to me, puckered, and said, "are my lips beautiful or what?"

crazy hair day and a major milestone

2011-05-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

today was crazy hair day at anna's preschool. when she's in the tub we do this thing called "needle hair" where i put soap in it and make it stick straight up, so we decided to replicate this look for the big day. when i walked her into class all the kids gathered around and followed her trying to touch the "needle." it was so hilarious. paige (her cousin) yelled out, "nice job on the hair aunt noelle!" from across the room. here's a picture of the two little munchkins.

miller started really walking last wednesday. he had taken a step or two here and there but he's quickly made it his transportation mode of choice. (his hair looks so red in this video - i swear it's a different color every day. i don't think it knows yet if it wants to be blonde, red or brown...and i don't think it's going to decide for quite some time).

the infirmary

2011-05-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

anna is about the healthiest kid alive - before this year she had been to the doctor exactly once for anything outside normal check-ups. it all caught up with her this year, when in february we found out she had strep and a double ear infection. then, she got another ear infection last month, and last week she woke steve up at 2am trying to explain symptoms of what is a UTI. she's basically been on antibiotics for two months straight and i honestly can't decide if they've done more harm than good. she had to get a shot this week - one of those big goopy kinds that hurt really bad - and both steve and anna came home from the doctor's office completely traumatized.

miller has also gotten various bugs all winter, and seems to have a perpetually runny nose. neither of my kids are cuddly, docile creatures, but over the last few weeks we have gotten to experience the one benefit of having sick children - snuggles.

the downside is nights have been rough (much rougher for steve, who both kids desperately cling to when they are sick). i guess it's because i come from the kathy school of healing, which is, "suck it up! if you're going to stay home from school you will vacuum. if you faint while you vacuum, then i'll know you are really sick. if you don't, well then at least i'll have clean carpets!"

don't worry though, i didn't make miller vacuum.

here they are in all their cuddliness - and falling asleep while dropping them off at school since they were up all night torturing their daddy.

my easter bunnies

2011-04-27T14:32:00.000-07:00

baby #3

2011-04-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

so, i'm pregnant. everyone knows this, right? i can't keep track of who we have told, how we have told people...

i am so excited. how lucky could i be to get another one of these little humans??? we're going to have three little people come october. i'm 13 weeks along now and heard the heartbeat last week. until that moment it didn't seem all that real for some reason, probably because the baby was a...

steve says i can't say the baby was a surprise. i am supposed to say he or she is just coming a lot earlier than we ever anticipated. miller will be 19 months old when the baby is born, so every time i see a 19 month old boy wiggling out of his mom's arms and running around destroying things i have a slight panic attack. we're going to have 3 kids at home under the age of 4. i know that millions of women have been in the same situation but for some reason that doesn't really comfort me.

i told steve the day i took the pregnancy test, but i decided to do so in public. we went to pizzeria 712 where the tables are really close together. he told me he had gotten me a gift and he was really excited for me to see it. i told him i had a gift for him too but i wasn't sure if he would be excited about it or not. he asked, "why would you get me a gift i might not like?" i shrugged and said, "well you sort of gave it to me actually." this was on a friday and his birthday was the following monday so he continued, "is it for my birthday?" i replied, "ummmm, it's pretty much for the rest of your life." he sat there for a minute noodling what i was getting at when it dawned on him, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?" i nodded, and then he laughed/cried, fumbled with his silverware, mumbled, and carried on thusly for a minute or two when the man at the table next to us said, "i'm sorry, did i just hear what i think i did?" i told him yes and he threw his head back and laughed and then said to me, "you are a smart women for doing that in public." then he turned to steve and said, "the third baby is going to kill you."

when we got home he unveiled his present. he made this. like with his hands and cutting devices. it's made out of california and illinois license plates. how cool is that?

oh yeah, i happen to be due on marissa's birthday. what are the odds? i guess 1 in 365 but still....

birthday central

2011-04-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

my baby turned 1 on march 29th. my other baby had her birthday party on saturday but technically turns 4 tomorrow (and is having a hard time with the concept of having your party on a day that isn't really your birthday).

i can't believe Miller is already a year old. he is pure joy in this household - the funniest, happiest, cutest little man ever born. i seriously can't believe he's ours. he has started waving and saying "bye!" (sounds like "BAH!") when someone leaves, and points at everything and hoots until you acknowledge what he's pointing at. i can tell when he's doing something or going somewhere he's not supposed to because he starts panting like a dog while he's doing it. he loves to be "chased" and when you take something away from him he lays prostrate on the floor and cries with his face pressed on the floor. he truly is the little light of all our lives, everyone that meets him falls in love with him, and if all babies were like him we'd all have at least 10 of them.

grandma and grandpa miller, my parents and steve's parents were all able to be at his party, along with my sister bridget's family. here is his big moment - the first and last time he will sit in front of a chocolate cake and eat it with bare hands. at least i hope it's the last time.

and the song that preceded it...

anna's party was at the new provo beach resort which, despite being somewhat badly named, was a great place to celebrate. she had about 20 little friends/cousin-friends at her party and it was mayhem but it seemed like everyone had a great time. it was tinkerbell themed and the kids played in the giant soft play room and got to play all the arcade games and collect tickets to get prizes. the best part of the party was watching all the kids crowd around to "help" her open presents. the second best part was leaving the mess behind.

we have seen signs of age 4 coming for a few weeks - slightly more cooperative, more loving, less openly defiant, somewhat more reasonable. having her run out of a room and yell, "i love you so much i just can't quit you mama!!!" is both shocking and heart-melting. having her put her shoes or coat on without her taking off in the other direction after she's asked is so refreshing, i can't begin to tell you. having her not collapse on the floor in a flood of tears when i ask her to pick up her toys is a total relief. this phase has lasted so long that i completely forgot she might ever be different. here's to hoping age 4 just gets better and better. she is a sweet, very sensitive, mischievous little thing and we are so glad she is the person that made us parents. man, this parenthood thing goes so fast.

Charlie Bit My Finger, A Reenactment

2011-04-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

Some background:

1) Anna has watched Charlie Bit My Finger about 200 times. It's her favorite video, and for whatever reason in her opinion it never gets any less funny.

2) When we're in the family room on the couch, Miller will pop up randomly and bite any toes he sees. It's like having a human baby shark below the surface - you have to be very careful because all the sudden he's standing at your feet, chomping down on your unprotected piggies.

Last night Miller's victim was Anna, and I happened to have my phone with me so I started videotaping the attack. After yelling "OUCH!" a couple of times the role of Charlie's older brother seemingly kicked in and she began reenacting the video, British accent and all.

Is this only funny to me because I'm her mother? Because I can't stop laughing about it.

i see a future at beauty school

2011-03-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

anna has a play makeup set. this is what happens when she has unrestricted access to it.

how i know my kids missed me

2011-03-08T11:23:00.000-08:00

steve admitted he had had some troubles styling anna's hair while i was away, so when i asked what had happened here he replied, "i used product." i was thinking it might just have been because she slept on it, but then a few days ago when i was chatting with her preschool teacher she told me when anna came to school on the day i was gone she said to her, "my daddy tried to do my hair today. can you try instead?"

hey, at least he TRIED. you should see my sister's soccer picture on a rare day when my dad was left in charge. nuclear.

sleep where you fall

2011-03-08T11:17:00.001-08:00

we're having a hard time with anna's sleep schedule. she gets up at 6:00 in the morning no matter what time we put her to bed, so every other day at about 4pm this is what happens. she slept for an hour-and-a-half that particular day with her hands clasped together like this...

musical miller

2011-03-08T11:06:00.000-08:00

the other day while we were sitting playing with the kids, miller picked up anna's flutophone and steve said, "you know he can play that?"

i replied, "yeah, riiiiight." and then?

rah rah sis bling bah

2011-03-08T10:32:00.000-08:00

(title courtesy of carina, who did all our copywriting which garnered tons of positive feedback)

the tradeshow in houston was by all accounts successful. we placed a lot of orders and picked up some pretty big schools including missouri, wake forest, washington, arizona, new mexico, LSU, south carolina, north carolina, and pitt, and we made great inroads with tennessee, kentucky, alabama, oregon, arkansas, oklahoma, ohio state, georgia and penn state. we've been just as busy since we got back than we were before the show working with our new accounts and following up with others and it will be interesting to see what the next few months hold. this is what our booth looked like (yes, that's actual astroturf). a big shout out to my sister jen who came to the show just to help and almost single-handedly set up and took down the booth.
the best part about it, though, was getting back and seeing my kids after a 4-day absence. i've never been away from them for that long - i think the longest i've ever been away from anna was 3 days and i've never left miller. anna immediately wanted to know where her presents were, and miller furiously crawled to me and looked at me excitedly like, "you came back!!!" i missed them so badly, especially because steve would record these little videos on his iphone and text them to me periodically. awesome and so heart wrenching at the same time.

sesame street suspicion

2011-02-20T06:52:00.000-08:00

anna loved elmo. miller not so much.

(the part where he turns around and gives him a "look" slays me every time.)

i am terrible at this

2011-02-11T09:48:00.000-08:00

i guess that title could apply to lots of things...math, car maintenance, keeping my desk area clean, putting away laundry, keeping anna out of the pantry...but what i mean is blogging. i've been really bad about it ever since my parents came home from their mission, and have let lots of big things go by with nary a mention. like christmas. and jimmer fredette.

i never blogged about how before christmas, my mother-in-law took us to the nutcracker, and anna loved it until she fell asleep.

and how christmas was really good. we had it in l.a. at my grandparents house this year. it was rainy. disneyland with my parents, all my sisters and all of the grandkids was a blast, except for the fact it was one of the most crowded days of the year and for the two fights i got into while standing in line for the jungle cruise (hoard of teenage girls tried to cut in line and separated us from our kids) and while saving spots on main street for the parade (people probably shouldn't assume because you're blonde and blue-eyed that you don't speak spanish and can't understand their nasty comments about you and your family).

miller's first christmas was a good one. anna gave santa a big thumbs up. she was particularly excited about her my way toothbrush - she reenacts the commercial in the mirror by thrusting it out in front of her and yelling, "my way!" we ate a ton and hung out and shut the oak door to the playroom while the cousins played and we sat on grandma's couches and made fun of each other and let amber judge us for our parenting skills. it was pretty much the perfect week.

the best part of christmas, though, was having my parents back. it was so fun watching them meet miller for the first time. and i was reminded that i have two children that look exactly like my mom.

since then, i have been working furiously to get ready for a trade show at the end of this month in houston. last year, first & girl got its license to design and manufacture jewelry for byu, the u, and utah state. the sales, thanks mostly to rabid ute fans, have gone really well, so we got our national license which opens us up to about 200 more schools. the trade show is for college bookstores and retailers that sell collegiate merchandise. we have no idea what to expect but we are crossing our fingers and working like mad to have all our ducks in a row so there are no regrets.

steve and i got 4 season tickets for byu basketball this year and what a good call that was. jimmermania has been nothing short of epic and the marriott center has been ridiculous. the byu v. san diego state game was the best sporting event of my life, and i've been to a lot of sporting events. my ears were buzzing and ringing for hours after because of how loud it was. i'm sorry if i'm geeking out on jimmer too much, but being a true byu fan means you carry around your own special blend of heartache and disappointment pretty much all the time. all too often, we put ourselves in the national spotlight only to blow it a few days later (take, for instance, the 2009 football win over #3 oklahoma on the road one week, to an absolute smackdown by an unranked florida state the next week...at home). i can't describe to you the pain. so to see jimmer and the byu basketball team go off on san diego state, and really, pretty much on everyone each week before or since, is extremely gratifying to say the least. when you've spent years and years knowing you shouldn't get your hopes up, and then having the most unrealistic expectations met almost every game, well it's the the analgesic die hard cougar fans have needed.

jimmer, however, doesn't even come close to amazing me as much as another little man in provo named miller bates. hands down, the best baby ever. i have hurt him a few times over the last few weeks because i've squeezed him too hard. i can't get enough of him. he is like human cookie dough without the stomachache. i love how he sucks his breath in a squeals when i go get him out of his crib, how he thinks anna is the bees knees AND the cats pajamas, how he says "mamamamamama" when he sees me, how he smiles like his face is going to burst and crawls at me furiously when i come home after a workout, how he cups his fingers like crab claws, and just how he loves to engage with people and how they love him back. he rubbed snot all over someone's ipad in sunday school last week and they still didn't give him back to me. he is an absolute joy, and every day i can't believe of all the babies in the world, i got this one.

my other baby is not so much a baby anymore. she loves preschool and ballet class, asks for a "playdate" every day (hate that word), wants to "do makeup," and has a mind like a steel trap. when we leave to go out she has to give us a "high hug and a high kiss" which means we have to lift her up and she kisses us about 10 times. it melts my heart every time. she remembers places, food, smells, and little things we said over a year ago that she uses later to trap us into giving her what she wants. she calls the process "negotiations." usually it's more like blackmail. "remember when you said...." has become the most dreaded phrase i hear.

i started working out a few months ago and having a trainer has been the most not fun thing i've ever done in my life, but worth every penny. i added pilates to the mix about a month later and i'm down 26 pounds and counting. yes, i've lost 26 pounds on top of the normal baby stuff you lose in those first few months and i still have more to go. i got that fat.

he was totally worth it. see?

anna at the nutcracker

on it's a small world with her cousin kate

we took up two boats

anna after she opened her my way

miller with great grandpa miller

getting kisses from great grandma

raindrops

2011-01-10T07:32:00.001-08:00

this morning while i was giving miller his bath, i heard anna, who always helps bathe him, scurrying around the family room and come up behind me. there was a flash of pink and i asked what she was doing. she replied as if it needed any explanation, "i don't want to get splashed on."

the king of pop

2011-01-04T18:38:00.000-08:00

right after i put anna's little blazer on today she said...

"but mom? i don't want to look like michael jackson."

solids

2010-12-01T19:44:00.000-08:00

this is how much miller likes rice cereal...

stunned

2010-11-30T19:53:00.000-08:00

i have been meaning to do this forever but have you tried to edit videos on an iphone? not. easy.

i knew anna was learning songs for her preschool's halloween performance, but she never said anything about it so i wasn't expecting much when we showed up at her preschool to watch them do their thing. she tends to get embarrassed around people she doesn't know and is a bit skeptical of strangers, so i figured that she'd be one of the kids that would sway shyly back and forth and sing every 5th word or so ever so softly.

i was wrong.

at first i figured she was performing because she was following the lead of the other kids but that at any moment she'd realize she was on stage, her cheeks would get flushed, and she'd fade out. did not happen. it was probably the most surprising few minutes of being her mother, and i vacillated between laughing (that's why the footage is shaky) and open-mouthed awe that she wasn't just singing, she was INTO IT.

i expected this kind of performance from her cousin paige (little brown bob dressed as cinderella), but it was like they did a freaky friday thing and inhabited the other's body. paige at one point asked very loudly when it was going to be over and then later slumped down on stage and pretended to fall asleep. anna in the meantime was totally focused, telling the music teacher repeatedly and very worriedly that she didn't know the words to the songs, and then jumping right into them with gusto. so glad the iphone takes video, even if it does take forever to edit.

the kids start out strong...

anna really gets into it...

anna shows no signs of slowing down. paige sits down...

anna claims she doesn't know the words to this song. paige couldn't care less...

anna still says she doesn't know the words. paige falls "asleep"...

anna yet again claims she doesn't know the words, paige gives my sister a dirty look after she tells her to stand up, then proceeds to stomp her feet throughout the performance...

i should probably mention that anna took an unprompted bow at the end.

for her 16th bday she might be getting a nose job

2010-11-29T13:25:00.000-08:00

anna broke her nose on saturday night. i was holding miller in the family room and saw her walk into my bedroom. about 30 seconds later i heard screamcrying, the kind that makes you think whatever just happened was not insignificant. she came out holding her nose, blood pouring out of it, already starting to swell. we iced it and gave her some tylenol and she cried on and off for an hour or so.

she explained that she just jumped onto my bed "like normally style" and "banged it." we have a platform bed so we think she must have slipped and hit it on the platform, because while tempurpedic mattresses are hard, they're not hard enough to do this...
it's hard to look at her and not wince.

thankful

2010-11-25T09:56:00.000-08:00

there are so many things i'm thankful for at this point in my life it's nearly impossible to list them all, but i did want to write a few of them down and say them publicly:

1) a husband who treasures his kids, who would do anything for them, who gets up with them at least half of the week so i can sleep in
2) healthy children who are the light of our lives
3) my mom and dad and the mission they are wrapping up. we have definitely felt the blessings that have come with their service. also grateful that missions don't last forever.
4) the best grandparents in the world
5) sisters. i hear of family feuds, sisters who don't get along/don't talk to each other/talk behind each others' backs and am so incredibly grateful that even though there are 5 of us, we don't have any of that nonsense amongst us. mostly because there's no reason to talk behind each others backs when we feel perfectly comfortable saying it to each others faces :).
6) really nice in-laws
7) a full pantry
8) a warm home
9) good neighbors
10) knowing where i came from, why i'm here, and where i'm going...

i look around and wonder all the time, how'd i get so lucky?

the tongue

2010-11-23T18:30:00.000-08:00

miller learned to clap last week. this is about a minute after he started doing it for the first time (thank heavens for the advancements in cell phone technology). sticking the tongue out while concentrating is the signature look of my grandpa miller. did we name this kid appropriately or what?

i can't believe i never posted this...

2010-11-23T16:57:00.000-08:00

anna met her hero this september. steve cried, but just a little. i wish i'd had two video cameras - one on her and one on him.

aloha

2010-11-23T09:34:00.000-08:00

we went to hawaii two weeks ago. there were so many great moments of our trip and one of the top two is posted below. miller does this all the time, but something about it happening while we were lazily lounging poolside made it especially sweet and i'm so glad steve caught it on film...words can't express how my heart wants to burst on a daily basis being the mommy of this little man...

we found out the kahala hotel had a "dolphin encounter" for kids anna's age so one day we drove down to have her do it. she's a little animal lover and has a particular fondness for dolphins. seeing the look on her face when she was clapping for the dolphins was the other top two moment - totally worth the histrionics we had to endure after waking her up from an impromtu nap to get her there in time. she loved every second of it.

after the dolphin encounter we went up to laie to eat at the hukilau cafe and go through the laie temple open house. we had so much fun - what a historic and beautiful temple (and what a dumb mom that i didn't take my camera with me when we got out of the car).

the day before we left we went to breakfast at "anna miller's" in aiea. we had heard about it from a girl at the dolphin encounter after we told her the kids names. we actually happened to meet the owner of anna miller's who was there eating when we showed up (he lives in san francisco) and he told us he named the restaurant after his great grandmother. anna miller was the name of my great grandmother as well, so it was fun seeing her name (although not the same anna miller) all over the restaurant.

the weather was good, no one got sunburned and miller loved just sitting by the water watching all the kids play. we also took him swimming for the first time which he thoroughly enjoyed once he figured out he could bang his hand down on the water and make it splash. more pictures from our trip...

target market

2010-11-19T09:41:00.000-08:00

anna is a complete sucker for any and every commercial. no matter what is advertised she wants it (and i just tell her we'll put it on her christmas list). the other day we were driving and she was busy playing with a stuffed animal when she yelled from the back seat, "mom! can we buy gold now!? we need to act fast and get some gold! i want gold for christmas!"

is it possible to love your kids too much?

2010-11-17T23:06:00.000-08:00

the lobster and the mermaid

2010-10-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

we went to st. george for halloween again, and again, it was like trick-or-treating on a movie set. it's becoming a tradition and it's so much fun - especially when your kids cooperate and smile for pictures...

the three little mermaids (anna, and her cousins paige and maggie) were 100% entertainment while trick-or-treating. paige was pretending they were actually underwater and told the other girls they needed to go visit their undersea friends. anna replied, "yeah! let's go see fish & chips!" then, wistfully to herself in between houses she said, "i love halloween," and just before the last house she was starting to get tired and wanted to get picked up so she walked up to my brother-in-law and said, "uncle mike? well, see the thing is, my feet are sore." she got carried home :).

earlier in the day all of us gathered to take family pictures, and amber stood there shooting right next to the photographer...

this is really going to tick off my mom

2010-10-22T14:15:00.000-07:00

i haven't blogged about our trip to disneyland, miller loveofmylife bates hitting the 6 month mark, our halloween plans, or how anna told me and steve the other night that we need to get better at multitasking, but i'm going to blog about this and wait for the angry call from my mom telling me i'm failing her.

here's the short story. a big retailer (found in your local mall) is looking for ladies who know lots about cosmetics to work from home. the work entails chatting with the company's online shoppers when they have questions about makeup, hair care products, etc. (here's a real life application: someone is on their site, they aren't sure which undereye concealer to buy, they request a chat, you guide their shopping experience and help them pick the right one out). the hours are insanely flexible - even 1 to 2 hours a day or more if you want them - the pay structure is pretty cool, it's a great way to earn spending money, and it's actually really fun since it basically entails talking to other women about makeup.

if you know someone who would want to do this (or you want to do this), let me know and i'll send you an email with more info or leave a comment.

if you want to know why i am helping a huge retailer develop a distributed workforce, that's a very good question that i don't have time to answer because did i mention i am trying to build a distributed workforce while my kids are napping?

this is a problem

2010-09-11T08:38:00.001-07:00

miller is waking up SOAKED. it's becoming ritual to get him out of the crib and strip it to be washed. he even wakes up from some of his long naps completely soaked. i don't think it's the diaper size because the size bigger is way too big, and i'm making sure "it's" pointed south, so my only thought is that it's the brand (huggies). anyone have a suggestion?

these make me happy

2010-09-09T17:26:00.000-07:00

i am absolutely loving these.

they should SO do one about ruben.

confessions of a lazybutt

2010-09-09T16:29:00.001-07:00

so it's been about 5 years since i've worked out (at all, period, for reals, and when i go to the doctor and fill out the form that asks me how often i exercise i used to lie so i didn't get lectured but gave up on that a few years ago and just tune them out when they start in on me). recently though my neighbor FORCED me to start seeing her personal trainer because as she put it, "i'm not going to listen to you complain about how fat you are if you're not going to do anything about it," and really, not being able to complain about being fat takes the only fun out of being fat.

(and seriously, the whole, "you're not fat, you look great!!!" thing irritates me. i gained 69 pounds with miller and have only lost 30. that's too many not to notice or hide. i ran into an old friend this summer and we inevitably got around to talking about pregnancy and the baby and i said something like, "it's a good thing i love him so much because i'm basically a really fat kim kardashian-shaped person," and she said back, "yeah, it's not your finest moment." and right then i knew why i love her and she became my friend in the first place.)

at any rate, i've never actually been to a personal trainer, but i started doing sessions with him last tuesday. for the last 9 days my muscles (including many i never knew i had) have risen up in serious protest. i could not even hardly walk down the stairs last week, and sitting down was excruciating. i was actually starting to worry that i was going to get a bladder infection because i would hold it so long to avoid having to lower myself onto the toilet and feel the sensation of having serrated knives rip through my thighs.

it's finally getting better, and the workouts are insane but only 30 minutes, and now i can officially start complaining about being fat again because i'm doing something about it. and hopefully this will all go as planned and i'll eventually be able to get to the point where i'm only complaining about working out.

our feet

2010-09-03T14:38:00.001-07:00

this is one of our family pictures.

we had one just like it done when anna was born, and now there are four pairs of feet instead of three so we had to have an updated one.

the best part of the feet pictures to me is not the picture, it's the memory of taking them. usually you're stressing about your hair and makeup looking okay, and getting everyone to smile, keep their shirt clean, look at the camera, etc. but when you take a picture like this, you don't have any of that pressure and you end up laying on the bed all together laughing and saying things like, "point your toes at the ceiling!" and "don't curl your toes!" the result is a picture that always makes me smile.

in the bjorn

2010-09-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

i love this baby.

not exactly every woman's fantasy

2010-08-30T15:03:00.001-07:00

last year i got invited to join a fantasy football league run by a really good (guy) friend. it's a group of about a dozen guys who have been playing together for a long time, and i suppose adding a female to the league was probably slightly disconcerting to some in the group.

and then i won.

it was especially painful for some of them to go to bed on monday night knowing they had just been beaten by a girl (often for the 2nd time). that's because they would talk a ridiculous amount of trash to me during the week leading up to our matchup, and i would (mostly) remain poised and gracious about it, and then they'd repeat the same mistake a few weeks later and i would usually beat them again. i only lost twice the whole season.

it was really really hard for me to refrain from sending them a mass text the night i became the outright winner that said, "YOU ALL JUST GOT BEATEN BY A PREGNANT CHICK."

i'm glad i didn't rub it in their faces though since it may be the reason i got invited back. last night was our draft, which is not some hokey little production in some guy's basement. it's held in a corporate conference room with a projector and a screen showing the draft as it progresses and people webex and conference call into it and there is food and research spread out all over the place...and of course, so very much of the trash talk.

it was easily 89 degrees in the room and it's auction style so it's an intense couple of hours, it's funny, it's loud, it smelled, and i love every second of it. i got most of the players i wanted and like clockwork, got a text this morning from the person i match up against in the first week...telling me he's going to annihilate me.

let the games begin.

5 months

2010-08-29T16:24:00.000-07:00

miller is 5 months old today and i can't believe how lucky i am to have this baby. always happy, always smiling, "singing" little songs, always eager to give you the biggest, drooliest grin he can muster. and his laugh is so heartbreakingly adorable. today someone asked me if they could hold him during church and a few minutes after i handed him over i heard him laughing. i wanted to leap out of my seat and yell, "GIVE ME MY BABY BACK!!!"

having kids is so dang fun. babies definitely change your life, but for me, that has been in only completely wonderful ways. i'm sleep deprived, the laundry is going to drive me to drink, i'm chubby (to put it nicely), diapers are crazy expensive and there are all kinds of unknowable food particles lining every nook and cranny of my car and here's what i think...WHO CARES? because look at why!!!

on an unrelated note (but something that also makes me happy), my genius brother-in-law delivered our new table last night. i grabbed our old dining room chairs and put them around it, and even though they're not going to stay there permanently, they're good enough for now! so very happy with how it turned out...

'it's a small world' keeps playing in my head

2010-08-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

we're going to disneyland in a few weeks. it's anna's first time, and probably my 200th. the only thing is, i haven't been to disneyland since california adventure opened (i know, right??!?) and it's pretty much a whole new place so i'm not quite the expert i once was.

(one year growing up i went to disneyland 16 times - school field trips, with friends, with my soccer team, with my family, mormon night - there were just endless reasons to go that year. i swear i could have walked around that place blindfolded and still have found my way to the line for space mountain).

i am so excited. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and think about it, like i'm a 6-year-old on christmas eve. i made the mistake of telling anna awhile ago that we were going and have been constantly reminded ever since how super fun it is to try to explain spans of time to 3-year-olds.

anyway, i would love to get advice on what to do and what to see. we're going after school is back in across the board (yes, i actually went to a ton of california school district websites and checked) and before the halloween extravaganza begins so it's the perfect time. we'll be there for three days, crowds should be light, and we're staying at the grand californian so no having to schlep back and forth to the magic kingdom. i should probably mention that we're doing breakfast with mickey and lunch with the princesses so we're all set there, and steve's parents are coming with us so we don't have to take turns on rides and can actually ride the "big" rides, but what are the must-do's, and what are the avoids??? restaurant recommendations? how to manipulate the height requirements? i'm all (mouse) ears.

my b.i.l. is sort of a genius

2010-08-26T11:56:00.000-07:00

when we moved into our new house (well, it's been a year, but it still seems very new to me) we needed different furniture. the style of the house is what we call contemporary- cozy-craftsman (design people are probably shuddering at this description?) and the people who built the house had furnished it on the modern end of the spectrum. it's taken me a long time to try to figure out what the vibe of the house should be because it's actually pretty versatile even though initially i thought we were going to have to go very modern. i've been working on the different rooms of the house and we have a long way to go with many of them, but i finally feel like we are making progress.

one of the last holdouts has been the dining area. steve and i could not come to a decision about what we wanted in the table and chairs - we just knew what we had wouldn't work. we finally found a table we both liked and decided to get it, except it wouldn't fit in the room.

enter my brother-in-law, matt. matt is partners in a family business that sells appliances, cabinets and flooring in las vegas, but he also happens to make the most beautiful custom furniture you have ever seen. we called him to see if he could make us something and he was all over it. he found reclaimed wood from an old barn that had been torn down and went to work. he texted pictures of the project and we're just waiting for him to finish and stain it and ship it up here. i don't think i've ever been so excited to get a piece of furniture.
oh, and this is the island he made for my mom's kitchen. the pictures don't do it justice. this is a talent that is old-school, and very cool. and one i do not possess in any way.

so big

2010-08-26T11:12:00.001-07:00

here's anna, just before we left for her first day of preschool. she came home and told me that she's never wearing these shorts again because "the belt is hard" and the shorts "are unsoft." besides disliking her outfit, her first day of school was a success.

after i dropped her off i stood outside her classroom with my sister bridget and we watched anna and paige explore their new surroundings. at one point she caught a glimpse of me through the window and her face lit up, her hand shot up to wave at me, and she gave me a quick smile. how could i not cry?

here's her brother on the same day. he must make me smile 500 times every day. he loves his life. and i love being his mommy.

new school, new teeth, and a new way to pray

2010-08-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

we took anna to "meet the teacher" day her preschool yesterday. this is her first year, and steve cried most of the 15 minutes we spent in her classroom chatting with her teacher. i kept whispering, "please stop crying," and he tried to pretend like he wasn't, but it was clearly a moment for him. when i asked him if he was going to come with me to drop her off on the first day he said, "yeah, but i'm just worried she's going to have a hard time when i leave." maybe he's a little confused by who's really going to have a hard time when he leaves that morning. just a little.

here's anna with her teacher, miss erin:
miller got his two bottom teeth two weeks ago. there was no run up to the event. no fever or whining or crying - just his normal, happy self. and then one morning i put my finger in his mouth to let him suck on it and felt something sharp. i thought he had some plastic or something in it and was shocked to find the very tips of teeth. it's a little weird to see a baby this small (4 months) with teeth, but if he's going to be that chill about them when they come in then he can get his teeth whenever he wants.

the little chompers:

the other night we were all sitting on the couch, and anna was going in and out of character as "baby white bird". we asked her to say the family prayer, and this is what happened...

lazy summer mornings

2010-08-11T11:38:00.001-07:00

we're both still in our jammies, playing with photo booth on my mac, eating fresh peaches, waiting for miller to wake up so we can go to the pool with the cousins...just what a summer morning should be. i love this little girl and moments like this.

valley girl

2010-08-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

my 3-year-old is using the words "like" and "totally" proficiently in sentences.

i am, like, totally horrified.

miller at 4 months

2010-08-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

mom and papa, this video is for you. i took this of miller yesterday. it's relatively boring, but you can see how much he has grown in just the last little while. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think, "your honey and papa need to meet you."

(he flaps his arms like crazy every time he sees the video camera).

the little fish

2010-07-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

anna learned to swim this summer. we're not sure exactly how, because 96% of all her swim lessons were spent screaming, crying, and trying to get out of the pool. then one day she just did it, and now she'll go about half the length of the pool. this was one of the first times she actually swam with her swim teacher.

first haircut

2010-07-30T16:35:00.000-07:00

anna had her first haircut last week. yes, she's 3, and i'm not going to count the one time steve trimmed the back of her mostly bald head while i was gone. (he thought he was doing me a favor.)

our new neighbor and friend brittany offered to do the job. it was time for the def leppard-inspired ultra mullette to go.

here's a picture of said mulette (a female mullet) she was sporting until just a few days ago...

and here's the process, and the final result...

voila!

she seems so much bigger to me now.

hilarifying

2010-07-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

anna loves to play with miller, sing to miller, dance in front of miller, and help feed, change and bathe miller. he loves her in return. but watching your 3-year-old play with and "help out" with your newborn is both hilarious and terrifying. i call it hilarifying.

and what is it about wanting your kids' clothes to match??? i hated when my mom made us match. she made us match A LOT. and despite that i spend an inordinate amount of time looking for companies that make matching boys and girls clothes. know of any? because they might like to have me as a customer.

anna's first love

2010-07-30T16:09:00.000-07:00

anna has had a crush on her cousin garrett since she realized there was a difference between girls and boys. he's 16 now, and her crush has been in hyperdrive since we saw him in june.

we stopped at my sister's house in st. george on the way down to california and when we got there she said hi to everyone quickly and then flopped her palms up to my sister and said while trying to stifle tears, "where's garrett?" jen promised he'd come home and she'd call him to make sure.

10 minutes later anna walked over to jen and reported, "you haven't called garrett."

jen promptly dialed him up and demanded he make an appearance. a few minutes after that anna jumped in jen's car to go get santa clara cookies (THE original pink cookie) and to look for garrett. no dice.

luckily he came home a few minutes after they returned or else i think she would have felt a devastation she'd never recover from.

when he walked in the door she stood there awestruck by his beauty. she walked slowly towards him with her arms outstretched and he picked her up. he face turned fuschia (i'm not kidding), she wiggled down, and came running over to me. i noticed something weird about her skin.

she had broken out in hives.

that's never happened before or since.

from st. george to las vegas all anna did was talk about garrett. garrett had a blue shirt on with a soccer ball on it, garrett gave her a hug, garrett is the only boy in that family, garrett didn't eat dinner while we were there, garrett this and garrett that. and my favorite exchange:

anna: "garrett is really big now. is he going to keep growing?"
me: "yes, he's going to grow some more."
anna: "well he's going to be a giant."

when we got to california there was a picture of garrett tacked to my grandma's corkboard by the stairs leading down to the bedrooms. before anna would go to sleep every night she'd walk by his picture and touch his face.

the best thing i can say about this is that at least i'll know what to expect when she has a crush on someone that's legal.

one of the top two best places on earth

2010-07-30T15:49:00.000-07:00

there are two best places on earth. papa's 1960's double wide on the colorado river (yes, it's as white trash as it sounds, i usually sleep on the foam mattress that flops out from underneath the "dining hutch" and sits under one of the swamp coolers), and grandma's house in california. we spent 10 days there in june and had the best time ever.

i will tell you that i did not appreciate growing up in one of the most beautiful places in the country. maybe even the world. the south bay and palos verdes in particular are jaw-droppers. and the weather. oh the weather. (but i live in provo and i like it and i'm not going to be one of those annoying california transplants whose life mission is to make sure everyone knows they don't think utah is up to snuff. utah is a great place to live.)

we went to the beach (i cried walking down the ramp), played in the pool, ate at the red onion, had bon apetit salads, sent grandpa on daily diet coke runs, went to admiral risty and showed anna the lighthouse, and visited lots of friends. here's what we didn't do: watch tv.

when we left i cried (okay, sobbed) all the way from my grandma's house to the freeway. this is not a short distance. anna was concerned. she kept yelling from the backseat, "MOM! IT'S OKAY!!! WE CAN COME BACK!!! WE CAN VISIT AGAIN!!! DON'T BE SAD!!!" the only reason i eventually pulled it together is because i was worried i was going to scar her for life. i probably would have cried all the way to barstow if it weren't for her.

it was a great trip.

4 months of heaven

2010-07-30T15:16:00.000-07:00

miller is 4 months old as of yesterday.

i love this kid more than life itself.

he's so quick to smile. it's like he's JUST BEEN WAITING HIS WHOLE LIFE for you to look at him so he can give you one.

if you turn away before he's done with you, he will whine until you look at him again and a smile will jump to his face as fast as it can. he's not done smiling at you.

he loves when i kiss him all over his face, munch on his cheeks and rub my nose on his. he coos like crazy and smiles and bubbles spill over his lips as if he is thanking me for nuzzling him.

he is getting really good at sucking his thumb.

he thinks his sister is pretty fantastic. when she plays with him or sings to him or dances in front of him he smiles at her with this look like, "keep going! you're so entertaining. i can't wait to see what you're going to do next."

he rolled over today for the first time.

not a great sleeper, but that's fine with me because he's so happy all the time. he only cries when he's hungry or tired. he's never gone on a crying jag while i sat there trying to figure out what he was upset about.

if he's been left alone for a little while and you go to pick him up or look at him, he will talk your ear off. it's like, "mom! oh my gosh! so much has happened in the last 10 minutes! i have so much to tell you!!!"

he loves loves loves to be held. when he smiles at you like he does it's hard not to.

if he sees you in the room he'll chirp and coo until you look at him so he can smile at you.

did i mention this kid loves to smile?

he's heaven on earth.

my brain sucks

2010-07-30T14:31:00.000-07:00

blogging is like the laundry. it's all good as long as you do a little here and there all the time. once you fall behind, however, it just builds and builds until you totally tune it out and shut the laundry room door in order to cope.

it also doesn't help that my brain now totally sucks. miller will still only sleep in 4 hour chunks at night and i think the sleep deprivation is slowly killing off parts of my grey matter. today i found frosted flakes in the fridge and last week i went and got gas but didn't actually put any in the car. i totally missed a meeting two days ago despite the fact that i put an alert on my phone and the person in charge of it reminded me the day before. the worst part is that it took me a full 24 hours to realize that i forgot. sleep deprivation doesn't really make me tired, just dumb.

anyway, metaphorically speaking, i'm about to clean, fold, and put away all the clothes.

first off, miller was blessed in church on july 11th. steve gave him a beautiful blessing and great grandpa miller, papa quent, both uncle scotts and uncle jim participated in the blessing. he looked so cute in the outift honey (my mom) sent him from south carolina, and we had a great bbq at our house with the whole family after church. it wasn't until after we eaten that i took a look in a mirror and realized i had mascara smudges down my face. i think i might have cried a little too much that day.

the photo documentation...

ilovethisbabysomuch

2010-06-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

people (okay, just my mom), keep asking me why i hardly ever blog anymore. there are two reasons. first, for me, getting on the computer doesn't represent leisure time or fun time. for me, computers = work. i open up a computer and all i feel is projects, deadlines, paperwork, emails, and lots of unfinished business screaming at me. like i'm a casualty of career-induced PTSD or something.

second, could you pull yourself away from this face? because i can't. sometimes i cry when i think of him going on a mission or getting married. maybe that happened last night. maybe it happened in church today as well. i'm not saying it DID, just MAYBE.

the tale of the family pictures

2010-05-25T16:16:00.000-07:00

we took family pictures and did miller's newborn photos when he was 8 days old. i got the cd before i left for our looooong trip to california and am truly impressed that there were any worth wanting, not because the photographer wasn't great but because anna was so unbelievably uncooperative (see above).

jennifer, the photographer, kept assuring me that lots of kids act like anna during photoshoots. i was like, "really? you've had other parents put their toddler in six time outs in a two hour time span? really?" gracious she was. and obviously jennifer made the best of it, even snapping photos of her when anna got out of the shower that she turned on herself while we were otherwise engaged.

when our neighbor who owns this company asked us a few weeks later if they could use anna for a photoshoot they were doing on some new products with the deal being i could have any pictures i wanted, i agreed since i was feeling pretty positive we didn't get any good photos of her in our family shoot. we told our neighbor we couldn't make any promises that anna would behave any better, but decided to bribe her with a trip to toys r' us where she could pick out a toy if she cooperated. and despite the fact that it was FREEZING outside and she was in a tank top and her teeth were chattering, she smiled and posed like a toddler-size version of heidi klum, prompting the photographer to ask me if she did this professionally. i was like, "um no. i have no idea who that child is," as i pointed in anna's direction.

and this is how we ended up with cinderella makeup.

from the katelyn & co photoshoot...

and from the family photo shoot...

a conversation with anna

2010-05-23T20:57:00.000-07:00

a conversation between me and anna, while she's standing on her step stool in my bathroom, putting on her cinderella play makeup:

anna: "mom, i don't respect you."
me: "excuse me?"
anna: "i don't respect you."
me: "do you know what that means anna?"
anna: "no."
me: "it means that you don't listen to or obey the person that is in charge of you."
anna: "well yeah. i don't respect you."
me: "then i guess it's time we throw away some of your princess makeup."
anna: "wait a minute mom, let me think of a different way to say it. (pauses). i DO respect you."
me: "that's what i thought."

later that day we had a follow up conversation that went as follows:

anna looking at me with a glint in her eye: "mom, i don't respect you."
me: "do you remember what that means?"
anna: "yeah, it means i don't get to wear makeup."

only a mother could love

2010-05-11T15:11:00.001-07:00

poor miller got hit with the trifecta of baby uglies all at once last week - tons of acne, cradle cap, and a goopy eye. it wasn't pretty.

this was confirmed when i ran into a family friend out shopping. he was in his stroller with a blanket draped over it while he slept. she asked if she could see him so i lifted it up. the flourescent lighting beamed upon him. she saw his face, quickly tried to think of something to say and eventually blurted out, "oooh. he has dark hair."

that was all.

after we parted ways i leaned down and whispered in his ear, "it's okay. i will always love you no matter what."

and then he opened his eyes, gave me a knowing smile, and we shared a laugh since we both know that he's actually devastatingly handsome.

belated mother's day videos

2010-05-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

mom, once again let me just say i'm sorry i didn't call you on mother's day. i pledge to here on out only make 4H rolls when the occasion calls for it (and you know what that means).

i filmed these last week, and the one with anna has a sneak peak of some of the "art" coming in your care package.

also, isn't miller so cute???

relentless

2010-05-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

yesterday anna asked me if we could get a cat.

i told her that sadly (not really) no, since i am allergic to cats and it would not be good to have one live with us.

she then suggested we "just try it out to see."

thinking that she didn't understand what allergies are, i asked her she understood what it meant to be allergic to something. she said, "yeah, allergies make you sick."

she repeated her request for a cat and added "oh please oh please oh please!!!" to the end. i told her that no, we couldn't get one or else it would make me sick, and then offhandedly mentioned she might even be allergic to cats.

she replied, "i don't think so, but i guess we'll find out when we get a cat."

one month

2010-04-28T15:10:00.000-07:00

miller was one month on monday, or will be one month tomorrow, depending on whether you measure these things by week or by calendar date. it's been both a long and a short four weeks, and i'm now at the point where i can officially say two things:

1) it feels like he's been in our family forever
2) i don't remember what having just one child was like

he has definitely gotten more demanding but the key to keeping him happy is keeping him in your arms. if he's being held he hardly ever cries, and this sling has saved my life as he is totally content while he's in it. it's the only way i can get stuff done around the house.

speaking of sleep, this guy hardly ever does any of it. he's the most alert, focused newborn i've ever seen. as i'm writing this, he's been awake for three hours straight and before that only had about a 30 minute catnap after being awake for about two hours. he's been eating about two-and-a-half to three hours which is an improvement, especially because we found out at his two week appointment that he was 8 ounces below his birth weight (7, 10 at birth, only 7, 2 two weeks later). today i had to take him in to have his weight checked and he has gained 9 ounces during the last two weeks which puts him at only one ounce more than when he was born (but he's grown an inch-and-a-half, so he's a total string bean. anna calls him "chicken baby" because his legs are so skinny). he's only in the 10th percentile for weight which dumbfounds me because if you saw anna at three months she was driving the train to chubbyville. at six months she was residing in beefytown and by a year she was the mayor of plump city. (here's a picture of her at her six month check up and another of her at nine months. i had to physically restrain myself from chomping down on those arms and thighs. she just looked so delicious.)

i'm hoping he beefs up but i have to admit i kind of love that he's still the size of a newborn and he still does newborn things like scrunch his legs up underneath him.

anna is still obsessed with him and here's what i now spend most of my day saying (yelling):

"move away from the baby!"
"don't touch the baby's face!"
"give the baby his binky back!"
"don't jump by the baby!"
"keep that (insert any dangerous toy here) away from the baby!"
"be gentle with the baby!"
and my personal favorite:
"don't lick the baby!"

the last one is due to her playing "mama cat." and so i don't forget, she didn't need to pretend last week when she went to a princess party with the "real" cinderella. she was very excited, and has been bugging me ever since about when we're going to "disneyworld not disneyland." i've decided that we're just going to go to disneyland and tell her it's disneyworld.

3

2010-04-16T14:23:00.000-07:00

anna turned 3 on monday, so we had a low-key party that night and some of steve's family came over for dinner and cake. we are going to do her "friend party"....when i feel like it.

at each of her three birthday parties i haven't been able to stop myself from getting teary when we sing her "happy birthday." i always think about that moment i saw her "get borned" (as she would say) and how much i love and have cherished her as our little girl everyday since. anna marissa bates turned me into a mother - the best thing i've ever had the privilege of being.

i went into labor with her in the middle of the night and we left for the hospital at about 1 or 2 in the morning. i remember the ride there distinctly because the contractions seemed to get stronger and extremely painful as soon as we got in the car. the radio happened to be on, and well before we were halfway there the song "isn't she lovely" by stevie wonder began to play. i couldn't believe it then and i still can't believe it now...is there a better song in the whole world to commemorate the birth of a little girl? i mean, that's exactly what the song is about, and of course ever since then it's been "our" song to her - anytime we hear it steve and i look at each other and share a knowing look as we reflect back on that life-changing ride to the hospital. this week i was in harmon's shopping and it began to play while i was in the cereal aisle. she was at home with her dad but i began to think about her blonde pigtails and sassy attitude and all the funny things she has been saying lately and i couldn't help but laugh to myself. the laughter soon turned to tears as i looked down at her tiny baby brother and thought about my life. there i was, making my way towards the dairy section with tears streaming down my cheeks, wondering why in the world i had gotten so lucky.

lucky (or spoiled) would also describe anna, who has been zipping around the cul-de-sac with her dad hovering over her ever since she got this:

and for my mom, the opening of this:

and the most precious look on her face during this:

and the big moment earlier in the day when she got to help make the cake she picked out at the grocery store all by herself...

bling and blonde

2010-04-10T14:01:00.000-07:00

yesterday i was sitting on the couch with my friend suzanna when steve came home and dropped a goldsmith jewelers box in my lap. "i got something for you," he pronounced nonchalantly. i opened it up to find a diamond pave eternity band to match my ring and wedding band with a little blue sapphire taking up one of the spots. i bawled.

my friend sherilynn came over a few minutes later and we went out to dinner. when we got home she said, "let me see that one more time before i go." i handed it over. as we looked at it together it dawned on us that the sapphire was missing. but even weirder was that there was no hole where it would have been. there were diamonds in every single spot. we were baffled. i even got a pin and sherilynn sat in the sun poking at the ring trying to figure out if we just couldn't see the hole, but our initial assessment was correct. the sapphire was gone yet there weren't any missing stones. "they must have put the sapphire on top of one of the diamonds," she pronounced. it was the only logical explanation.

i was completely befuddled for an hour or so, wondering if the sleep deprivation had taken its toll and led me to see a sapphire that was never there.

then steve got home. as soon as he walked in the door i said dramatically, "OHMYGOSH, HONEY, IT'S THE WEIRDEST THING. THE SAPPHIRE IN MY BAND IS GONE. MISSING. BUT THERE ARE ANY HOLES IN THE RING. ISN'T THAT CRAZY??!?!?"

he looked at me with mixture of pity and exasperation. "that's because he colored on one of the diamonds with a blue pen. it was just to give you an idea of what it would look like to put a single sapphire in the setting. i explained this right after i gave it to you."

mom of 2

2010-04-08T18:29:00.001-07:00

i got a text this morning from a friend alerting me to the fact that i hadn't blogged since last friday followed by a generous offer to come over and help me with whatever i needed. i laughed because it wasn't until then that i realized i hadn't opened my laptop for almost a week (and honestly didn't miss it one bit). it actually hasn't been chaotic around here - in fact, i've been in post-baby heaven, just holding and snuggling miller at almost every waking moment, watching a lot of law & order reruns while he sleeps on me and kissing his face off.

while i'll say that having two is certainly a big change, it's gone A LOT smoother than i expected and it honestly feels totally normal having two kids. this is mainly due to the fact that i've gotten A LOT of help in the 10 days since i've been home from the hospital. anna has had playdate after playdate and spent a lot of time at her gammi's. it also doesn't hurt that my husband is unparalleled in the helpful department in normal life; he's pretty much a superstar post-delivery. anna has been really cute with miller and super "helpful" as well. no jealousy issues with her - i swear she's told him she loves him a thousand times already. today she told me that "he is our baby and no one can take him away from us!!!" (this was after she told me she wants to go to disneyworld rather than disneyland because "it's better." i have no idea where she got this notion but when i told her that we could ride "it's a small world" at disneyland she said, "well but i want to ride it's a big world instead.")

i have treasured every second of being his mom. it seems like no matter what i do, i can't get enough of him, even on the days where i've held him for 14 or 15 hours (no kidding). he's such a good baby and is my little snuggler. this has made nights a little sleepless since i have to put him in the crook of my arm to get him to quit making little yelps, but i keep telling myself that this will only last for a few weeks and to enjoy it - i can take a nap later. as i write this i'm leaning back on the couch and he's curled up in the fetal position on my stomach so i'm typing around him. if he's crying, all you have to do is pick him up and put your cheek on his and whisper in his ear and he stops. he's also a champion eater which makes life so much easier. he likes feeding so much i have to manually remove him every time - one time i decided i'd let him go as long as he wanted and it was a 80 minute session. great for bonding, not very practical for real life. (plus obviously for about 60 minutes of that there wasn't really any eating going on.)

so often i've looked at him in the 10 days since he's been here and told myself that there is nothing better in life than a brand new baby. NOTHING.

here are some more recent pictures...

miller just wanted to say hi to his honey and papa

2010-04-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

"i love you baby miller"

2010-04-01T11:10:00.001-07:00

anna composed a song for her brother. just watch.

miller anders bates

2010-04-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

he's here!

march 29, 2010 at 7:11 pm, weighing 7 lbs 10 ozs and 20 inches long.

before i could even start writing this i started crying, so let's just say i'm very very happy and very much in love. i can't stop staring at him.

here are some pics until i can pull it together long enough to post about the birth!

uh oh

2010-03-28T08:25:00.001-07:00

i picked up pacifiers for miller this week and yesterday i washed them and laid them out on the counter to dry. anna noticed them immediately when she came home from the park with her dad and began talking about which ones should be hers. when we told her that they were for the baby she began vacillating between full on sobs and walking around aimlessly whimpering. i mean, she was UPSET.

i let her pick one out to play with and she took it into the shower with her. about 20 minutes later my naked, dripping wet toddler emerged holding the binky in question out in front of her. she came over to me, stuck it up my shirt, and said to my belly....

"it's okay miller. i forgive you."

was it + or - ?

2010-03-28T07:58:00.001-07:00

so what i want to know is, who took a pregnancy test at my baby shower and left the wrapper but not the actual stick???

the wait is on

2010-03-24T21:16:00.001-07:00

so my sister amber and my friend sherilynn threw me and miller a lovely, low-key, perfect-for-me shower this last saturday. i still can't believe amber would drag two of her kids from vegas to come up to do it, and that sherilynn left that many "nothing bundt cakes" in my fridge.

it was great having so many of my friends and family members over for a few hours just to eat and hang out since we all know what's coming - a few months of being sequestered and sleep deprivation. and i'll admit all the presents were nice - i haven't been as nearly voracious about dressing this little guy as i was anna and he is now definitely set in that department.

i was worried that miller might make his entrance a little too early and foil all the hard work amber and sherilynn put in to making it a great day for me so luckily he cooperated, and today i had a checkup and it turns out i'm 3.5 cm dilated and 80% effaced. my doctor said she'd be surprised if i made it through the week which was music to my ears. the only bummer here is that marissa came out on saturday and we were hoping somehow the baby would acknowledge her trial schedule and work himself around it by being born about 10 minutes after the shower was over. unfortunately it looks like he's going to come right smack dab in the middle of a big case, but she's coming right back after she wins (of course...she always wins).

a few pictures (and we didn't start taking any until about 5 minutes before it was over, so...)

"happy birthday to my birthday"

2010-03-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

my niece paige had her 3rd birthday party on saturday. i took a ton of video so i could send to my mom - i'm like 83% confident she'll figure out how to view it.

it was a princess party and my sister went all out. the girls looked so cute and anna kept her tinkerbell wings on for hours. and i just have to say how happy i am that bridget and ben are going to be in provo for two more years while ben is in the chaplain program at byu because the thought of anna losing her "tusin-fwend" is almost too much for me to bear.

the spectrum of emotions

2010-03-04T16:27:00.000-08:00

anna is really into identifying emotions these days, which i understand is very common for someone about to turn 3. when she detects even the slightest bit of irritation in either of our voices she asks, "are you mad, sad, or disappointed?"

she has been asking us this question for weeks now. yesterday i got upset that she threw her bowl on the ground on purpose and the "soup" she made of rice, spinach and water splashed all over the floor. as i was chastising her she asked the, "are you mad, sad, or disappointed?" question and i replied, "i'm mad about this mess, and disappointed that you did this when you know you're not supposed to." she looked at me, shrugged her shoulders and said, "well that's okay. i don't even know what disappointed means."

i stepped over the "soup" and walked into the laundry room to laugh as silently as i could.

paige & anna go bowling (and probably a video only my mother could love)

2010-03-04T10:26:00.001-08:00

my sister bridget and i took anna and paige bowling last month - a first for both of them. if you want to endure the pain of watching a bowling ball roll down a lane at one-half mile per hour then be my guest, but i'm pretty sure my mom and papa will enjoy it regardless. especially paige as she cheers anna's first ball down the lane with, "GO ANNA! GO ANNA! GO ANNA!" until it finally hits the pins.

who are these people?

2010-02-22T11:19:00.000-08:00

i just chatted over gmail with my papa. my mom figured out how to comment on my blog. she also learned how to set up wireless on their laptop and IT ACTUALLY WORKS. next thing you know we'll be getting updates from their mission via text. the earth might spin off its axis.

i don't know if i was more excited about anna taking her first steps or the quantum leap of technological advancement my parents have made in just a few short months.

to give you an idea, this is a conversation i once had with my mom about her cell phone:

[the cell phone buzzes indicating she has a voicemail message]
mom, pointing at it disdainfully: "what does it want?"
me: "you have a voicemail."
mom: "i don't know how to get it."
me: "i can show you."
mom: "people just shouldn't leave messages."

is this a sad book mommy?

2010-02-20T13:50:00.001-08:00

my favorite children's book is the maggie b by irene haas. it was a book my grandma had ever since i can remember and tells the story of a little girl named margaret (also my grandmother's name) who wishes for a ship of her own and someone to sail on it with her - that someone being her little brother james.

the illustrations are amazing and the story is so cute. the ship is called the maggie b. and has an orchard/small farm on it. margaret is the most resourceful little girl who creates the coziest of sailing experience for her and her brother. she bakes him wonderful meals, sings him beautiful songs, and protects and comforts him when a storm comes up by simply locking the door to the outside world and making him a delicious supper, giving him a bath and rocking him to sleep.

i checked the book out this week at the library wanting badly for anna to love it as much as i do, and she sat captivated on my lap while i read it to her. the problem was that by about halfway through i was crying so hard i could hardly get the words out.

i can't attempt to explain how much i love my grandma and hope to do her justice. but, this book is HER. not only because of how the book's little margaret is such an amazing literary reproduction of my grandma margaret, but because i can't read it and not be immediately transported back to her house. no matter what was going on in my life, i could always go to grandma's house and feel like whatever storm was raging outside i was safely in the presence of the ultimate caretaker and everything was going to be okay. the book, and my grandma, represent the most real form of comfort i have known in life.

when anna realized i was crying she turned to look at me and said with a confused look on her face, "is this a sad book mommy?" i laughed through my tears and said no, so she asked why i was crying. i said, "because grandma miller is just like margaret and her house is just like the maggie b, and i love her so much."

everyone should have a margaret. i am so lucky i do.

well, this is new

2010-02-18T10:15:00.000-08:00

anna has been super, duper sweet to me lately. long hugs, snuggles, random "i love you's," even coming to give me one jelly bean while i was in the bathroom the other day and telling me, "here you go, you've been such a good mommy today."

i'm relishing every moment of this new found affection (and now know what it feels like to be steve). it also makes it easier for me not to get frustrated when she does things like get upset that i won't let her have candy right before bed and run into the laundry room screaming as i follow her, "get away from me!!! DON'T COME IN HERE! shoo fly, shoo! SHOO FLY, SHOOOOO!!!" (i mean, i don't want my kids to think it's okay to talk to their mom like that, but how do you not laugh?)

on another note, i had a non-stress test again yesterday and both miller's heart rate and my amniotic fluid levels were slightly improved. after the doctor told me i realized i personally can't comprehend the amount of stress stuff like this puts on me until i feel the relief of good news. i almost skipped out of the hospital, which, considering i'm moving like a penguin at this point, is saying a lot.

a slight scare

2010-02-11T18:56:00.000-08:00

yesterday i had a routine OB appointment. i love my dr, heather harrison, for various reasons - she's about my age, has two little kids, is totally thorough, and does cradle to grave so she's not only my OB, she's also my GP as well as anna's pediatrician and will be miller's as well. it's a fantastic arrangement and i always look forward to my visits because i love the end when you get to listen to the baby's heartbeat.

yesterday as we chatted and she began listening to miller's heartbeat a "look" passed over her face that let's just say wasn't on the "light and airy" side of the spectrum. she kept listening and i started getting concerned, which was confirmed when she said, "i am concerned." she explained the various reasons his heart rate might be low, took me out in the hall, called maternal fetal medicine at the hospital, and told them that i needed to be seen right then for a non-stress test and that if maternal fetal medicine wasn't still doing them (it was late in the day) that she was going to send me over to labor and delivery to have them run it.

i just stood there willing myself not to cry until i actually had a reason to.

turns out miller's heart rate is at the lowest possible end of the spectrum and so is my amniotic fluid. the second part wasn't a huge surprise to me because it was low with anna (although not this low). in fact, when i was in labor with her i asked the nurse if my water had broken and she looked at me funny and said, "well yeah." and i said, "when?" and she felt around and said, "i have no idea. nothing is wet."

i have to go back each week now to maternal fetal medicine to have him monitored and i'm supposed to track his movement, so this has definitely changed my perspective about him kicking, pushing, having the hiccups, or making any movement whatsoever. last night he kicked me so hard that it woke me up, and instead of sighing and trying to get comfortable, i rubbed my belly, smiled and whispered, "you go kid!"

and then i cried. him being okay is reason enough.

i am homemaker.

2010-02-03T18:20:00.000-08:00

up until just a few months ago, steve and i were were still sleeping with blankets that we'd had since we were little. mine was a laura ashley white comforter with green vines and pink flowers, and steve's was a black and white checkered quilt with red ties. suffice it to say they looked awesome together, and totally appropriate for a couple in their late 30's/40's.

one day i looked at the "bedding" and the bed which consisted of a metal frame, a headboard steve had made (and i have to add, was quite impressive), and side tables we picked up cheap from a friend who was moving out of state and thought, i am approaching 40. this is unacceptable. my bedding is from the laura ashley 1980 collection. IT'S TIME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. get a big girl bed for crying out loud!

the hard thing was that despite it's garish appearance, we were comfortable with this arrangement and we have had a hard time reconciling our tastes so every time we would broach the subject of the bedroom furniture and bedding it would inevitably result in severe disagreement. we'd just crawl back under our respective 30-year-old comforters and feel very cozy.

moving was the catalyst for change. to have that be our bedroom decor was to defile a very pretty bedroom. so with the help of alice lane, i embarked on having a new bed and a chaise made and actually decorated a room. it has taken me months, i'm still unsure about some of my choices, and there are still a few things left to take care of, but it's a significant improvement from where we started. and mom, i know you didn't get to see it finished before you went on your mission, but don't think the fact that you decorated every room of every home we ever lived in to the last detail hasn't haunted me since i reached adulthood. until now :).

here's the chaise (and i'm still a novice with my camera so the lighting isn't turning out right, but this room looks a lot more blue in real life - the bedding is all sands, greys and blues and brings out the blue and silver in the rug, and that quilt on the bed is actually light blue)....

and here are the nightstands...

and, at last, the bed...

the great love affair, pt. 2

2010-01-28T14:11:00.000-08:00

steve and anna's daddy-daughter love affair has been well-established. i would extrapolate with examples but enough of you have seen it in action that i really don't need to. they are totally, completely, and unabashedly 100% over the moon for each other, and i really don't think i've ever seen a daddy love his little girl more than steve loves anna. the term "doting dad" and "daddy's girl" don't do them justice. i sort of get left in the fray most of the time, but it's fine with me. the relationship i knew steve would have with his little girl(s) is a big reason i married him in the first place. however. a new man has come onto the scene in a big way. and i for one am very interested to see if anna's attention and devotion strays. as of right now, all signs point to this indeed being the case, because anna is officially obsessed with the little boy in my tummy named miller.

the normal level of curiosity started about two months ago when i really popped out and you couldn't notice me without noticing the bump. she would ask questions like, "does he have an inner tube?" after i explained he was in water, inspect my bare tummy to see what the deal was...typical i suppose. but over the last month, it has grown into something entirely unexpected and she has taken it to a different level to say the least. here's what i mean:

-she actually greets him when i walk into the room. like i come in and say, "hi goose, what are you doing?" and she looks at my belly and replies, "hi miller!"

-i'll say, "mommy has to go bye-bye, can you come give me a kiss?" now pre-miller i would have to chase her and wrestle her down to get a kiss about 80% of the time, but now she runs over, kisses my stomach and says goodbye....to miller. and tell him she loves him. and she'll see him later. and to have a nice day.

-we'll be leaving the house to go somewhere and she'll go, "come on baby miller! you sit in the front with mommy!"

-we'll be at a restaurant and she'll instruct me to eat something on my plate "because baby miller is hungry and probably will like that."

-i'll be on the couch watching tv and she'll walk over with a blanket and put it over my belly while pronouncing, "poor baby miller is cold."

-i'll ask her if she wants to go to the grocery store/post office/bank, etc with me and she'll go, "can miller come?"

-she will bring toys and stuffed animals over to me and shove them up my shirt so he has "fwends."

-the other day i slipped on some ice and she cautions, "be careful mommy! don't hurt baby miller!"

-and at least 5 times a day she makes me come over to her, lifts up my shirt(s), rubs her face on my tummy, kisses it, pats it, makes cooing noises, whispers to him, tells him she loves him, and talks about their future lives together, as in something she told him last night: "when you are born, i'm going to give you my white binky, my green binky, and probably some chocolate milk." and then she'll stuff a binky up my shirt for him to have in the meantime.

she doesn't do or say this kind of stuff once, twice or even a few times a day. at this point it's pretty much constant. she is more aware of him than i am most of the time, which is saying a lot since at this point it's very hard for me NOT to be aware of him.

all of this is also why i have had three very vivid dreams where i stepped away from the baby only to find that the little mommy had picked him up and accidentally dropped him headfirst on the limestone floor.

the library sort of kicks some A

2010-01-26T15:44:00.000-08:00

i used to visit the southeast branch of the torrance public library quite often as a kid, and remember it specifically as the place i was SHOCKED to find out that girls in my elementary school were checking out age-inappropriate romance novels that had words like "breasts" and "heaving" in them.

it took me awhile, but today anna and i visited the provo library for the first time and it impressed me on every level. now i don't know if it's because it's been 20+ years since i've stepped foot in a library and they're all like this nowadays or because provo is spending it's tax money wisely, but it was a first class operation. story time was great (they have a big story time "pit" with a puppet theater and even wear wireless mics so you can actually hear), the kids section was beautiful and organized and had a ton of selection, the activities calendar was jam-packed, and the self-serve technology was way better than anything i've ever used at a grocery store. it was so user-friendly that the girl at checkout just sat there reading her diana gabaldon book without having to look up, which made me realize that my cousin beth does indeed have a career option after her kids are out of the house. (love you beth!)
we got a library card and i took anna to the dvd section and she went nuts trying to decide which ones she wanted to take home. "mom, yook at all this, will you!?!!" she remarked as she spread her arms wide in front of the row of dvd cartoons.

thinking she was sufficiently pleased with the morning's events and the big bag of items we checked out (not to mention the overall ever-present amount of abundance in her life), i took her to have a mommy-daughter lunch at los hermanos over which i said, "you've been such a good girl today anna. let's stop at will's pit stop for a treat on the way home." at this she got a glint in her eye and replied with her most charming smile, "how bout we go to disneyland instead?"

quote of the day

2010-01-25T14:53:00.001-08:00

steve picks anna up from his mother's house and on the way home she says, "i went pee pee on the potty a million times today. no poop though."

think i need to stop using hyperbole in my speech?

in the clear

2010-01-20T14:01:00.001-08:00

i think it's safe to say that anna is officially potty trained. no accidents for the last five days, although we may have done some slight emotional damage to her as she now asks us on a routine basis, "are you mad at me or nice at me?"

sometimes i think it will be nice to have a boy

2010-01-15T14:13:00.001-08:00

lately it has felt as if i'm living with a female child-sized incarnation of henry viii. temperamental, unpredictable, prone to violent outbursts, paranoid, withholding, in one minute clinging to my legs telling me she loves me, the next throwing her palm in my face while ordering me to "not talk to me!" or "don't touch me!!!" last night she went on a real-turned-to-fake crying jag for a good 20 minutes while sitting in her timeout chair for throwing a cup at me when i committed the unpardonable sin of getting too close to her high chair. i'm sure it's not helping that i'm pregnant and have an almost unrelenting and unexplainable excruciating pain on the right side of my pelvic area, but my patience with her these days wears thin quickly (and then 10 minutes later she's all angelic and captivating and says something truly hilarious and i'm back to thinking, "how could i ever live without this kid? she's the best thing ever.").

i suppose it's because i'm pragmatic and drama-avoidant (a mutually shared trait that marissa and i congratulate each other on every so often) that some of this behavior baffles and/or irritates me. a few months ago we were driving home from what i thought was a lovely dinner when i hear anna begin to sob. i mean, SOB. i turn around and ask her, "what's wrong?" she replies through heaving breaths, "i don't know mama." i said, "are you hurt?" she replied, "nooooo." so i asked again what was the matter (because this crying was truly SAD crying), and she said again, "mama, i don't knooooowww." i say, "so you're just crying then?" and she says, "yes mama" (SOB SOB SOB).

my friend carina has told me this little boy inside of me will one day tear through my house and ruin my things. but i have to say it might be worth if i can go in to gently and nicely release him from time out and have him not try to hurl himself off the side of the chair while screaming for steve yelling, "not YOU!!!! get away from me mommy!!!! don't talk to me ever again!!!!"

potty update

2010-01-09T19:08:00.001-08:00

we've had four accidents today and two successful training moments that have given us hope. after the fourth accident she was standing up on her changing table by the laundry room while i was cleaning up and she heard the garage door open signifying steve's return. she knew he wasn't going to be happy that she had had yet another accident so she looked at me all wild eyed, threw her hands up in the air and yelled, "daddy's home! everybody scatter!!!"

i've had it

2010-01-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

with poopy diapers, that is. today i woke up and said to myself, "today is the day." so i went in to talk to anna who was playing with her daddy and told her that she's not going to wear diapers anymore, that she's a big girl, and that big girls wear panties and after her shower she was going to wear panties and learn to tell us every time she needs to go.

she got this angry look on her face and said, "no, i'm NOT! i'm NOT going to wear panties!" i replied calmly, "yes, you are." and at that she threw her hands up in the air, looked at me with daggers in her eyes and said, "well how am i supposed to go peep when my bum is naked with no diaper, huh?" i replied, "the fact that you just asked me that question is proof enough that you should have been potty trained a long time ago, kid."

i took her in the laundry room, laid out a couple of pairs of panties and said, "pick which pair you'd like to wear first." she surveyed the selection and said definitively, "none."

this is going to be a long day.

first dentist visit

2010-01-08T09:24:00.001-08:00

anna had her first dentist visit this morning. i couldn't believe how cooperative and calm she was, but her good behavior could mostly be attributed to the fact that her cousin/favorite babysitter kelly is the kid's hygienist at this particular dental office. she is amazingly good with kids and i also think it helped that for the last week we have been talking very excitedly about how fun it is to go to the dentist and how they have special tools and tasty medicines for our teeth. i wonder how long it will take her to figure out that's as much of a lie as santa.

she's on a roll

2010-01-04T08:34:00.000-08:00

sorry that i keep posting things anna is saying, but the only way to ensure my mom hears about them is if i do this, so bear with me for another 12 months or so...

anna has figured out how to get to the point where you need to enter a password to buy apps on my iphone. she goes through my phone and picks out a game she hasn't played in a while, tells me she no longer likes it, and suggests, "let's get a new game to replace this one because i don't like it. isn't that a great idea?" this happens at least twice a day so i'm constantly telling her she doesn't need any new games. the other morning she made this suggestion for the 100th time and i replied with the usual "you don't need any new games" answer. she looks over at me with this exasperated expression and says, "well mom, i'm running out of options here."

the catchphrase kid

2009-12-30T10:59:00.000-08:00

she's full of little sayings today...

she's having a hard time detaching herself from the binky and found an old one in a drawer somewhere this morning. she was sucking on it and when she heard her dad coming she pulled it out, held it to her chest and kept her back to him. when he left the room she said, "that was a close call."

a few minutes later i asked her if she wanted to go get some lunch and to go ask her dad if he wanted to go with us. she came back crying because he said he had too much work to do, so i told her that just because daddy couldn't go didn't mean she and i couldn't go. she stopped, looked at me and said, "i think you're on to something there mom."

christmas 2009

2009-12-29T20:20:00.000-08:00

my mom and ruben are officially in the mission field as of the week before christmas, and she's been repeatedly begging for blog updates (can't say that i blame her). not that i wasn't going to post pictures and notes about our christmas this year, but i had the extra incentive of motherly guilt plus my own personal motherly guilt. that's a lot of guilt to contend with.

in a word, christmas 2009 was wonderful - having a little one that "gets it" makes christmas 1,000 times better than normal. and we got a new camera (a canon eos rebel xsi, whatever that means) so i even have some decent pictures of it!

we spent christmas eve at my aunt ann and scott's in heber and had a fabulous time...

this is what she does now when we say "smile!"

holding and loving baby claire

the reed's - love how paige is looking at claire...funniest kid ever.

grandma miller reading to paige

chelsea looking at andrew like paige was looking at claire

grandma reads the "night before christmas" - a christmas eve tradition

at home after christmas eve in heber saying goodnight and goodbye to ernie, our elf on the shelf

running in on christmas morning at steve's parents' house, or as we call it, "gammy and papa's"

her santa pile

christmas morning "we just woke up" family picture...again with the "smile"

she put on her head-to-toe tinkerbell ensemble from my mother and proceeded to deliver presents to everyone in it

yes, the wings are upside down

present delivery, courtesy of tinkerbell

later that day in her new mickey mouse sweats

we had christmas dinner at the heber house. sooo sooo soooo good. grandma makes the best gravy, period. who am i kidding though, grandma makes the best everything. steve and i had a 5 minute conversation on the way home about her mad cooking and serving skills. anna received the full cinderella ensemble from "great grandma mill" as she calls her - and after putting it on as fast as she did tinkerbell earlier that day, elena and paige ran around the house as princesses the rest of the night. as anna was opening her gift, elena looked on and proclaimed to her brother, "i am SO jealous!!!"

it was a great christmas in every way except not spending it with my parents - but as ruben told me on christmas eve, they are "happier than pigs in crap," so i cannot complain!